


FEIGNED RETREAT

by Bonniebird17



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Angst, Army AU, Developing Friendships, F/M, Fake Identities, Flashbacks, Love, Married but not lovers, Secret Missions, Secrets, Sex, Smut, Soldiers, heartbreaks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-16 00:45:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17539460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bonniebird17/pseuds/Bonniebird17
Summary: This complicated story takes place in 1991. Two strangers in the army who became friends, surprisingly got married and then, one of them disappeared.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my celebratory fic, I have reached a new and incredible milestone of followers. I can’t express enough how crazy happy I am. Thank you for following me. I’m so nervous, as always when I start something new. But I like this idea. This is not another challenge where I’m going to post a new chapter every day, just me being unstoppable in creating new things. I hope you like it. @purpleheatherdream was magic beta and came up with the name.

**1991**

 

As he flicked through the letters, a small handwritten envelope caught his attention and his heart began to thump loudly.

 

 **_Claire_ ** _._

 

The way her letters always ended seemed to be with a harder touch. Like she deliberately wanted to mark the letters end. Yes, Jamie would know her handwriting anywhere.

 

 _Open or throw away?_ Jamie debated with himself as he sat by his kitchen table. The letter in one hand and his coffee cup in the other. The smart thing to do would have been to throw it away and forget all about it.. Apparently, he wasn’t that smart.

  


———

 

_Jamie._

 

_It has been years. We haven’t talked at all and you must be wondering why. I know you are because I’m asking myself that very question as I’m writing this. I don’t really have an answer, except that I simply miss you. There, I said it. I miss you._

 

_If you feel the same, just a little, even in the slightest, meet me on the 8th, You know where._

 

_Claire Beauchamp Fraser._

 

———

 

“She hasn’t changed her name.” Jamie stared at the name. Her name. His name. _Theirs_.

 

He read the letter again. The 8th.

 

That was today.

 

 _Do I miss her?_ That really wasn’t the question Jamie should be asking himself. Because he did, **_terribly_ **.

 

The question should be “How much _more_ would he miss Claire if he saw her and then she just left again?” It would make it worse. _So much worse_.

 

His best friend. His wife, even. Claire. She was here, in Scotland, but for how long? _Why?_

 

This was the first time in four years Jamie had heard from Claire since she disappeared four years ago. He never knew why, she just vanished into thin air. He spend weeks, months searching for her, nothing.

 

Apparently, Jamie wasn’t a smart man after all. He scolded himself as he got into his car and started driving to the place where it all began.

 

He did so without even the slightest hesitation, or care for his new life and sanity.

 

The fact that he had sprayed on the cologne- her favorite - "just because" before he left his house further proved that he was an idiot.

 

He held onto the steering wheel so forcefully, Jamie feared it would separate from the car itself. His stomach was rioting either because of his idiocy or desperation. Both could be applied. He felt hungry all of a sudden, his back itching. He tried to convince himself that it only was because he wanted answers.

 

It had been four years since they last saw each other, since Claire disappeared. That was forty-nine months. It was too many years that Jamie had grieved and yet, here he was, walking further away from his parked car and into the forest. With the numerous times he had been there, he could have walked blindfolded and still find the little dunn by the river.

 

Their secret place.

 

 _Maybe she already left?_ If it was wishful thinking or panic, he didn’t know. But Jamie started walking faster.

 

Surrounded by trees, Jamie abruptly stopped in the middle of path. There she was - **_Claire_ ** \-  just a few feet away, facing the river, awaiting him.

  


—-

  


_London._

 

That’s where they met in 1981.

 

They had both been part of a special military division. Claire Beauchamp, the combat nurse, had been loud and irritating, running around like she was in charge. John Grey, who actually was in charge, was a close friend from college and they had joined the army at the same time.

 

Other than the three of them, there were the twins, Frank and Jonathan Randall, then Thomas Christie, William Mackenzie, and Angus Mhor.

 

The small group of eight. Other than Jamie and John, they were all strangers who had been very decisively and thoroughly handpicked from the army to operate this secret mission.

 

Claire and Jamie had nothing in common. They were nothing alike. If Jamie said no, Claire said yes. However, it didn’t take long before they crashed into each other. Their friendship was sudden and unexpected, but welcomed.

 

**_1981._ **

 

_“Jamie,” his friend, John Grey, shouted across the room. “Come here!”_

 

 _They had the night off. That meant spending a few hours at the local bar. It was at the end of their special military training. They were leaving London to go to Yemen in a few days. Neither knew_ **_exactly_ ** _yet what they were supposed to be doing, other than serving their country._

 

_Jamie grabbed his beer and walked over to John, Jonathan, and Claire. She was laughing uncontrollably over something._

 

_“Ye called...”_

 

_“Yes.” John laughed. “Miss Beauchamp here is surely convinced that she can win a wrestling match with you.”_

 

_“I see.”  Jamie frowned. “And why are ye having this discussion?”_

 

_“Because, Jonathan doesn’t think this is a place for women.”_

 

_“It’s not a place for anyone.”_

 

_“Good point,” Claire agreed. “But to prove my worth, I thought I would challenge the biggest man here and that is you, Fraser.”_

 

_“Ye expect me to fight ye?”_

 

_“Yes.”_

 

_“I will have to politely decline,” Jamie leaned against the bar. “I dinna fight for fun and especially not with women.”_

 

_“You are ruining it. I want to be treated like every other man here. I know I will win.”_

 

_“Sure, lass.”_

 

_“Prove me wrong?”_

 

_“I will not. Ye canna provoke me, Beauchamp.”_

 

_“Why? Don't you want to help me?”_

 

_“Because I don’t want to harm ye.”_

 

_“You underestimate me, Fraser.”_

 

_This had been their longest conversation and Jamie still couldn’t figure Claire Beauchamp out. She was smart, that he knew, and her medical skills would prove useful when they left for the Middle East- Yemen specifically._

 

_“How about arm wrestling?” Jamie suggested and Claire's face lit up like a Christmas tree._

 

_They quickly removed the bottles and glasses from the table. John moved from his seat and Jamie sat down across from Claire. He placed his elbow on the table and waited with his hand in the air._

 

_“Don’t hold back.” Claire took his hand. Her hands felt cold and he didn’t know if he should let her win or not._

 

_“Ready, set, go.”_

 

_Claire was strong, not stronger than him of course, but she did her best. He didn’t want to shame the lass and win straight away, so he just held onto her as she silently tried to make his arm move. He didn’t budge, but Jamie did watch her. She really was beautiful and he wondered how he hadn’t noticed it before. They had spent two weeks together. Maybe her constant talking had been distracting him. But now, he saw her._

 

_After a little while, Claire’s hand was shaking with exhaustion and she looked so frustrated at their joined hands, it made him laugh out loud. Suddenly, he felt a bang of pain and lost all concentration._

 

_Claire had kicked his leg and the pain had distracted him long enough for Claire to take advantage and his mouth fell open in shock when his hand hit the table with force. She cheated. She won._

 

_Claire smiled._

 

_“We never set any rules.”_

 

_“Ye still cheated.” Jamie smiled back. “I wonder what you would have done to distract me if we had been wrestling for real.”_

 

_“I would have kissed you.”_

 

_That surprised him, and the fact that he wanted her to surprised him even more._

 

_“I dinna think that would work.”_

 

_“What?” Claire played hurt. “It wouldn’t?”_

 

_“No.”_

 

_“Why?”_

 

_“I am never letting my guard down around ye again.”_

 

_“That’s fair,” Claire answered softly. “I guess I’ll have to earn your friendship, and then, when you least expect it, I will kiss you.”_

 

———

 

**Present.**

 

Just the sight of her made Jamie feel that he had been impoverished of emotions, and that his shirt was buttoned too tight, making it harder to breathe-- which was literally impossible because he was wearing a white cotton t-shirt under his jacket.

 

He hadn’t even seen her face yet.

 

It was springtime in Scotland, cold as hell. But Claire, always the rebellious one, only wore dark blue jeans and what looked like a thin, grey knitted cardigan, and based by the way her hands were going up and down her arms, she was probably regretting her decision not to wear a jacket.

 

“Hi stranger.” He tried to play it casual. But that had never been one of his strong suits in her presence. He felt even more like an idiot.

 

Claire slowly turned, her curls bumping and swirling. It was shorter than the last time he saw it, ending just above her shoulders. But beautiful as always. Jamie‘s gaze was fixed on the details of her hair, to avoid directly looking into her eyes.

 

But it was inevitable.

 

A moment of silence. The whole world was silent.

 

Claire only smiled as she walked the short distance over to him. _Did she feel it?_ Did she hear the birds quietting, or the wind suddenly slowing down? Jamie did and he regretted all the decisions, all the turns he had needed to take to get here.

 

“Have you grown since I last saw you?” Claire asked softly. “Or have I shrunk?”

 

“Yer standing downhill,” he remarked, his voice surprisingly matching her softness.

 

Claire just continued smiling and there it was again. The silence. A quiet moment trapped in time just because they existed. Standing on the same ground - _finally_ \- reunited.

 

“I was afraid...” Claire stepped closer. “That you wouldn’t come.”

 

“Why, am I here?”

 

“Because you missed me.”

 

 _I have._ Jamie said to himself. He refused to say it out loud. But his presence said it either way.

 

“Claire.” He said her name, he had said it so many times but now it was different. He even saw that she felt that too. “Why are ye here?”

 

“Didn’t my letter explain it?” Claire let out a soft laugh, and he could tell she was nervous. He knew everything about her, or at least he used to know. “I missed you, Fraser.”

 

“Not a word in four years.” There was no way to drag it out. He was still surprised how calm he was. “That’s thirty-two in dog years...”

 

“How can you possibly know that? Do you have a dog?”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“Never saw you as a dog person, Fraser.” Claire avoided his question. Dragging out the inevitable.

 

“There are things ye dinna ken about me, **_Fraser_ **.”

 

His name. Her name. _Theirs_.

 

“Have you missed me, Jamie?”

 

Jamie stood still. He hadn’t moved an inch and had been doing his very best to stay there. Every single time Claire did this, she made him forget that he had ever been angry with her. He hated it. Surrounded by trees and the sound of the river behind her. The question remained unanswered long enough to make it awkward.

 

“I’m here,” he finally answered.

 

“Will you give me permission to touch you?”

 

It was a request Claire often made because of their past. Because of both the invisible and visible scars they both wore.

 

“Depending on where.” It just came out and it sounded like a joke and inappropriate bantering and that was not his intention. But Claire laughed, seeming to relax a bit.

 

“Show me your restricted areas and I’ll avoid them.” Her hands were up in the air.

 

“Not my face.”

 

Claire stopped laughing when she heard the sudden seriousness. Because he was. She was not, under any circumstances, allowed to touch his face, because Jamie knew he would melt and probably cry if she touched him there.

 

It was tense and the second Claire’s body slowly came closer in a strange embrace, his heart dropped, feeling heavy as stone and he was sure it was broken. Nevertheless, as the idiot he was, Jamie wrapped his arms around her, hugging her back and resting his cheek on top of her head. He breathed her in, noticing that her hair smelled fruity and different. He shut his eyes closed. _I shouldn’t have come._

 

“You smell like home.” Claire buried herself deeper into his chest. She was shivering, probably from the cold. Her hands slowly sneaked inside his open jacket for warmth. He didn’t even try to stop her. He didn’t want to stop her.

 

“Yer not answering my question.”

 

“You are not answering mine.”

 

Jamie sighed, exaggeratingly loud and dramatic, just because.

 

“I have missed ye, Claire.”

 

“How much?”

 

“Dinna push it..”

 

“Do you want to know how badly I have missed you?” Claire asked, still standing with her cheek against his chest. He wanted to hear it. But it would make it worse. All of it.

 

“Best if I dinna know.”

 

“Are we _still_ best friends?” Claire asked, the softness in her voice, her presence was untouchable, both calming and alarming.

 

“Jamie?”

 

His body reacted by immediately going into a defensive mode.

 

“I dinna ken, the word _friend_ seems like a lie.”

 

Claire perked her head up and brown met blue. It was horrible, and yet amazingly beautiful at the same time. Narrowing her eyes, she looked at him.

 

“ **_We_ ** have _never_ been a lie.”

 

“Every single day we have spent together was a lie, Claire.”

 

“How can you say that?”

 

Jamie release her and backed away. This was clearly his biggest mistake. Coming here and expecting not to feel when he knew he would. Claire looked hurt, but that was her own damn fault. Not his.

 

“Friends don’t leave. Ye disappeared, Claire.” This was a mistake. Jamie turned his back to walk simply away. But Claire stopped him by firmly grabbing his right arm, pulling him back.

 

“Doesn’t it count for something that I am here now?”

 

She sounded so desperate.

 

He was desperate.

 

“How long until ye leave again?” Jamie asked through gritted teeth. He was done with this happy reunion pretense. “How many days do I get with ye, just to be left again?”

 

“I didn’t leave _you_.”

 

“Jokes on me, then.” Jamie pulled his arm back, more aggressively than he planned, and turned around to try to leave once more. But Claire was quick to grab his arm again, forcing him to stop walking. He didn’t turn, but he felt her eyes on him.

 

“Why are we still married?”

 

“Why shouldn’t we be?” Claire answered like it was the simplest thing. “We love each other.”

 

Jamie sighed and turned around to face her. Claire was talking about love, about them, and it made him furious. This was not love, yet he loved her.

 

“Yer not suppose to marry yer best friend.”

 

“Well, you did. I did. **_We_ ** did,” she replied softly.

 

Claire still hadn’t let go of his arm, she was tugging the hem, slowly pulling him back. Jamie tried to resist. His eyes quickly darted from her eyes down to her lips. She reflexively flicked out her tongue and licked her lips and he did the same. They had kissed before. Four times, but that’s nothing based on the years they had known each other.

 

Still. He remember the softness of her lips, the way she tasted in every season of the year. _Spring. Summer. Fall. Winter._ A complete orbit around the sun. How many times had the Earth traveled approximately 940 million km at the speed of infinity since they met?

 

Ten times around the sun. Ten years.

 

“Claire Beauchamp **_Fraser_ **,” Jamie warned her, but also himself by adding his own last name as a reminder. She still didn’t stop pulling his jacket sleeve.

 

“James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie **_Fraser_ **.”

 

“Ye canna...” Jamie resisted the urge to shout at her. “I have been completely fine since I came to terms with yer disappearance. I _accepted_ it and moved on.”

 

“Moved on...Have you forgotten me, then?”

 

“I have a girlfriend,” Jamie said dumbly. “And she has never heard yer name, Claire, that must say it all.”

 

Claire and Jamie had never been together in a romantic way, even though he wish they had. They were married, still, but never had they been nothing more than “friends”.

 

“For how long have you been together?”

 

 _Did he want to make her jealous?_ Jamie wondered. Of course he did.

 

“What does that have to do with anything?”

 

“Just curious.” Claire suddenly looked hurt, but held her face together with gracefulness. “Just wondering what she will say when she hears that you are married.”

 

“We didn’t marry for love, Claire. I’m sure she will forgive my indiscretions.”

 

“I married for love.” Claire looked down on her hand to the silver band on her finger. Jamie had missed that glimmering little detail. She hadn’t taken it off.

 

_Doesn’t matter._

 

“How did ye get here anyway?” Jamie asked, irritated. The parking lot had been empty except for his own car.

 

“I walked.”

 

“Yer stupid.”

 

_So, so stupid._

 

“It is a lovely day, I didn’t see the point in ruining the environment by renting a car. The crispy air and cold wind only did me good.”

 

“How long have ye even been here? Why did ye come?” Jamie felt more and more frustrated. “And why can’t ye ever wear a bloody coat lass, it’s freezing.”

 

“I have been here, waiting for a long while and I have said why I’m here.” Claire smiled again. “And why should I wear a coat to shut out the world? I have missed feeling the Scottish air.”

 

“Because yer turning blue.”

 

_Bloody hell._

 

He was so angry with her. He wanted to scream and shout, but he couldn’t stand the thought of Claire getting sick, not again. Jamie scolded himself as he slowly took off his jacket and silently handed it to her.

 

“Why can’t I just stay close to you?”

 

“Christ. Just take the jacket.”

 

“I don’t understand you.” Claire then put on his jacket and she drowned in its size. “I understand that you are angry, but what’s the point of being so when it can all be over tomorrow?”

 

“Where have ye been?” he asked again, ignoring Claire’s careless view of the world. “I’m not…”

 

“You are not what, Jamie?”

 

“Ye ken what I mean...”

 

“I don’t. I really don’t. You are not, what? My best friend, my husband...”

 

“I’m yer husband on paper. _Nothing_ else. Not anymore.”

 

“Fine.” Claire answered irritatedly and quickly took of his jacket and threw it over him. “I’m trying here. What do you want from me? I have missed you, every single day, Jamie.”

 

“I want...a divorce.”

 

_Divorce. Separation. Split myself in half._

 

Claire looked furious and that provoked him.

 

“I dinna need to be marrit to ye anymore,” he shouted. “No more hospital visits, no more illnesses. Yer fine, ye look healthy enough. Ye dinna need me.”

 

_You don’t love me._

 

Claire had been dying a few years ago and Jamie hadn’t been able to visit her at the hospital because he wasn’t family. But they had been best friends, closer than that even but neither one admitted it. He married Claire, **_1984_  **to be close to her, without doubt or hesitation, and even if he tried to ignore his the warnings of his beating heart, damn him he would do it all over again.

 

“Till death do us part,” Claire said. “Or did you only mean it when you thought I was dying, Jamie?”

 

Boom. He was struck. It felt like Claire had shot him, and the blown was lethal, deadly. The wound - her words - was making him speechless.

 

Holding his jacket in a firm grip, he slowly took a stepped forward and wrapped it around Claire’s shoulders.

 

“Give me the papers and I will sign whatever you want. Then I will be out of your way.” Claire tried to calm down, but she was frustrated. “Alright?”

 

_“Great.”_

 

_Just like that._

 

“Can I meet your girlfriend?”

 

“What?”

 

“Yeah, if it’s not too much.” Claire smiled shyly. “Would really like to meet her.”

 

_Christ._

 

“Will ye tell me where ye have been if I say yes?”

 

“Someday.”

 

Jamie rolled his eyes as he shook his head. Claire had always been special, but never this cryptic and secretive, not with him. They never used to have secrets, except for how they truly felt about each other, but they both knew that didn’t count. But they fought against it.

 

“I don’t think you said her name?”

 

“Whose?”

 

“Your girlfriend, Jamie...” Claire chuckled and then looked at him silently. Sadness was written all over her face. Evidence of her sleeping badly he noticed too.

 

“Laoghaire.”

 

“Sounds familiar...”

 

“I’m pretty sure ye haven’t met her.”

 

“What does she look like? I always wondered what your type was.”

 

“I have had girlfriends before.”

 

“They never lasted.”

 

_They weren’t you._

 

“Short, blonde, and short-tempered.”

 

Jamie caught himself feeling bad, Laoghaire was his girlfriend and he described her as a child.

 

“Ah. _Blonde_. I would have guessed red.”

 

“Why?”

 

“So you could have cute red headed babies.”

 

“Doesn’t my hair count?”

 

“It does.”Claire smiled again. The dynamic of their relationship had not always been like this. They had fought often but not like this. Both were stubborn and decisive. They were like a stormy weather, bright one second and gloomy and dark the the next. A whirlwind of emotions, always.

 

“So, can I meet her?”

 

Jamie hesiated, how would he explain this to Laoghaire?

 

“I won’t tell her that we are married, Jamie, if that’s what’s bothering you.”

 

“I’m not bothered.”

 

“You are, I can see it in that little wrinkle...” Claire reached out to touch him, but stopped and retreated. Probably because he had asked her not to touch his face.

 

“I didn’t come to disrupt your life Jamie. I simply came because I missed my friend.”

 

There it was again. The silence.

 

They had been through so much, their friendship was special. Everyone always thought they would end up together, but they never did. They only married because of the fear of death and being apart.

 

The unspoken love. That hadn’t gone away.

 

“For how long are ye staying?”

 

“As long as _you_ need,” she said.

 

_Forever?_

  


_——_

  
  


“Where are yer things?” Jamie asked when they got into his car, just holding the car key in his hand, not ready to leave just yet.

 

“At the bed and breakfast.”

 

“Ye can stay at my place.”

 

“Jamie, it’s fine. You don’t always need to rescue me.”

 

“I’m not,” he objected, even though there was truth in her words. “I just don’t see the point when I have a spare room.”

 

 _Pathetic_. Jamie thought, he sounding so desperate. Needing Claire to be close and afraid she would leave again.

 

“What about your girlfriend? I guess she won’t appreciate you having your wife there.”

  


“Friend,” Jamie corrected unnecessarily. “And Laoghaire doesn’t live with me.”

 

“Oh. I just assumed.”

 

“Aye, yer good at that.”

 

Jamie was behaving badly and he hated himself for it. But he couldn’t control himself. There was too many unanswered questions. Where had she been all this time and how dared she come back without a proper explanation. The words “ _I miss you, Fraser.”_ was dancing around in his head.

 

“You know what, this was clearly a mistake.” Claire jumped out of the car and slammed the door shut hard and slowly started walking away.

 

Irritated, Jamie stayed and just watched her leave. Thought it maybe was for the best. But he couldn’t stand the thought of her walking alone in the cold.

 

Jamie started the car and drove slowly after her, then rolled down his window when he was by her side.

 

“Get in the car.”

 

“No.”

 

“Get in the bloody car, Claire!” he shouted as he hit the breaks and she stopped. Claire hands turned into fists and she kicked his car door.

 

“You don’t order me about!” she shouted back at him and kicked his car door again.

 

Jamie jumped out of his car and towered over her. Thousands of horrible things went through his head and all he could say was “Please.”

 

Claire refused to look at him and every bone in his body ached. He hated that she was here, but he hated the thought of being without her.

 

“As long as I need ye, ye promised to stay.”

 

“Say it.”

 

“I need ye.”

 

Claire silently nodded, and without looking at him she walked around the car and sat down in the car again.

 

Why did he want her to stay? Jamie had been trying to escape her since he got here. He would go down in history as the stupidest man on Earth. He had practically begged her to stay.

 

Jamie took a deep breath before he jumped into the car again. They didn’t speak as he drove away further away from the place that had been once sacred and theirs.

  


**——-**

  


Back at Jamie’s house, they sat next to each other by his kitchen table, it had been just hours since he sat there and read Claire’s letter and suddenly here she was.

 

“What’s the plan, Claire?”

 

“I don’t know, settle down and just be.”

 

“Here in Scotland?” Jamie quickly asked, surprised and took a sip of his coffee. His heart was pounding, she was staying?

 

“Yes, I wanted to be close to you.”

 

“Do ye even hear how absurd this situation is...”

 

“I do, first class drama.”

 

“That goes without saying. But why?”

 

“How many times do I have to tell you? I missed you, Jamie and you are the **_only_ ** family I have.”

 

“And ye still don’t want to tell me where you have been?”

 

Claire looked everywhere except at him. Her eyes darted around, and did she look worried or scared?

 

“It’s classified.”

 

“Christ.” Shocked, Jamie just stared at her. Had Claire join the military again?

 

“Don’t ask me, because I can’t tell you.”

 

“It would explain things...if ye had just told me. We are married.”

 

“Not for long...”

 

“Claire.”

 

“Someday, I will tell you, Jamie. Not today.”

 

Suddenly Jamie heard the front door open and shut close with a loud bang, a dog barking, clothes rustling in the hallway, then the sound of high-heels approaching and he nervously looked over at Claire, but she seemed calm, joyful even.

 

“Jamie?” Laoghaire called out. “Where are ye?”

 

“The kitchen.”

 

_Here we go._

 

Laoghairy walked into the kitchen, holding her little dog, Charles, in her arms, her smile fading a little as she noticed Claire sitting by his side at the table.

 

“Oh. Hello.”

 

“Hi. My name is Claire Beauchamp F...” She caught herself before she finished her whole name and quickly diverted her attention to Jamie. “I’m an old…acquaintance.”

 

“Nice to meet ye. Laoghaire Mackenzie,” she answered politely, but Jamie saw she was acting nicer than she appeared. She was the jealous type. “I’m Jamie’s **_girlfriend_ **.”

  


**_1982._ **

 

_They were back in Scotland for two weeks, and everything felt different, Jamie was different. The only comfort he had was that Claire was with him._

 

_They were home to heal._

 

_Lallybroch._

 

_His family loved her, of course they did. Even Jenny. William looked smitten. His mother, Ellen, was secretly joyful. Nobody asked why he brought her and nobody asked why they slept in separate rooms. But they treated her like family immediately._

 

_He was sick of giving the ‘we are just friends’ speech and appreciated their discretion._

 

_Jamie had been home for four days and it had been hard adjusting to “normal life.” Even if it was temporary. He had nightmares, the things he had seen haunted him and he wondered if the military life really was for him. Their mission had been said to be easy, but was everything but. They weren’t even done. Not even close._

 

_Claire was struggling too, he saw it in her eyes even if she didn’t tell him._

 

_Jamie was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling when his door cracked, then slowly opened. Claire snuck in and silently crept under the covers and just started at the ceiling as well. She was so close, but they didn’t touch._

 

_“Ye okay?”_

 

_“Are you?”_

 

_“No.”_

 

_Claire rolled over to her side, facing him. Jamie saw the evidence that she had been crying._

 

_“I don’t want to go back, Jamie.”_

 

_“Me neither.”_

 

_“Do we have to?”_

 

_“Aye.”_

 

_“I thought so,” Claire whispered. “Jamie? Do I have permission to touch you?”_

 

_“Ye have never cared to ask before? Why now?”_

 

_“Because...” Claire sighed. “I know how it feels, to be touched when it’s not comfortable to be touched.”_

 

_Jamie swallowed hard and waited. They had never been this intimate before, half naked in bed together. They were best friends, Claire was his comfort in life. But he also dreamed about her, in romantic ways he never would admit to anyone, especially Claire. This friendship was too precious to ruin._

 

_“Would my touch be comfortable, then?”_

 

_They had been at the same place, but not really. Jamie was the soldier and she was the nurse. Fighting for the same mission, doing so differently. Suffering all  the same._

 

_“Yes.”_

 

_Jamie rolled over to face her. Even in the dark, her brown eyes shone through and he felt dizzy from losing himself in the depth of her. He wasn’t sure what would happen, he didn’t dare move or even breathe. He only knew he was willing to risk everything. Just once._

 

_“Have I earned your friendship?” Claire asked, lowly as she slowly, so slowly came closer._

 

_“Ye ken, yer my best friend.”_

 

_“Good.”_

 

_Claire was only wearing a shirt whereas Jamie was shirtless and when they laid, finally, close enough for him to feel the warmth radiating from her body, his body reacted. Not in the obvious way. His stomach started rioting, as if thousands of butterflies went wild inside him, his feet tingled with the desperate need to touch hers and know if they were cold or warm. His mouth dried out, dying to know if she was the river to save him from the drought._

 

_Claire suddenly, but oh so intently, kissed him softly. Her lips tasted just as he had imagined and it only brought his body the need to feel more and less at the same time. It was their first kiss and Jamie wondered if it was the last. He was left speechless._

 

_“I told you I would surprise you one day.”_

 

_Claire laid still, still just inches away from his mouth. The raw scars were still on his back, he felt no pain._

 

_“Have ye been planning this distraction for a long time?” He chuckled softly. It felt nice to smile._

 

_“Yes, since that day at the bar. I have been planning to win your trust and gain your friendship just so you would invite me here and I could kiss you.”_

 

_“Will we be ruined?”_

 

_“Never. Nothing could ruin us.”_

 

_“Good.”_

 

_————-_

 

“How long have ye known each other?” Laoghaire asked. Jamie felt trapped in a overwhelming moment. His wife and his girlfriend. Blasphemy in deed.

“A very long time,” Claire answered. “We met in the army.”

 

“Jamie rarely talks about that time,” Laoghaire said and reached out for his hand. He suddenly felt like he wanted to chop the hand off rather than holding hers in front of Claire. But why would he bother to care how she might feel? She had left him.

 

“What happened, then?” Laoghaire curiosity came more from being nosey than really interested. “Why haven’t I heard anything about ye, Claire?”

 

“It was a lifetime ago...” Claire tried to casually brush it off. He knew it. But the scars they he wore were just as much a painful reminder as was her ring.

 

“Have ye ever been to Lallybroch? Met his parents?” Laoghaire continued her interrogation and Claire suddenly smiled. Jamie knew how fond she was of his family.

 

“I have. Jamie’s mother is my favorite person in the world.”

 

“Aye, my mum has always considered Claire as a daughter.”

 

“So, ye are like brother and sister?”

 

“Oh God, no!” Claire cringed and laughed uncontrollably as Laoghaire just stared at her.

 

“What are ye, then?”

 

_Wife. Husband. Best friends. Strangers. Enemies._

**_Everything and nothing._ **

 

“Just friends.”

 

Jamie tried to not think of his time in the military, he had left before he finished all his missions. They both had. For the same reasons, and yet now he had found out that Claire had gone back without saying anything.

 

 _Classified_ , she had said. Did it change anything?

 

Five years in the military. Five years of being a controlled soldier, doing things Jamie never thought he would ever forget or forgive. But he hadn’t been alone. Claire had fought by his side.

 

But Claire had been his weakness. How do you go to war, trained to kill and serve your country, when the one you love was as reckless and brave as her. Claire was supposed to be the healer, the nurse who saved them when they got injured, but Claire couldn’t be just one thing, couldn’t be contained. She had picked up a weapon and ran into the fire and he ran after her.

 

Twice, had Claire almost died. Both times in his arms. One by bleeding, hurt in combat in Yemen and the other by an invisible disease.

 

In sickness and in health, Jamie stood by her. Married her because he loved her. Married her because he couldn’t stand the thought of her dying and not being **_one_ ** with her.

 

Then Claire recovered and vanished in 1987.

  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really, really glad so many of you liked this, army au. It’s a complicated story but I swear things will clear up (soon). Because the story only is in Jamie’s POV, things gets twisted and very confusing. There is so many things Claire is hiding and I just wanted to remind you of that before you read this chapter. Because you will probably feel more lost after reading it. WARNING - ANGST!
> 
> @purpleheatherdream was beta and so damn supportive as always.

——-

 

**_Chapter 2_ **

 

Jamie woke up in the middle of the night and froze with fear when he heard Claire screaming. It was  so paralyzing, it took a few seconds before he calmed down and he ran. 

 

It was dark in his guest room and Claire’s screams only reminded him of his own nightmares. It was terrifying , but Jamie rushed to her side.

 

“Claire?” 

 

Jamie carefully tried waking her. The covers were off  and Claire was squirming in her sleep, covered in sweat, only wearing panties and he respectfully avoided looking  where he wasn’t supposed to . He shook her shoulders lightly.

 

“It’s just a dream, wake up.”

 

Finally, Claire eyes opened, wide, dark,  and filled with fear. Standing on his knees beside the bed, Jamie felt powerless. What horrible things had she seen in her dreams? All those questions where she had been, vanished at the sight  of her like this . 

 

“Jamie?”

 

“I’m here.”

 

Intense, Claire just stared at him, like she wasn’t sure if he really was there and Jamie felt hollow. 

 

“Ye are safe,”  h e whispered softly. “I’m here.”

 

Her eyes silently begg ed him to comfort her. Just like he had done millions of times before. Jamie  knew her nightmares, her fears , but it had never been like this. 

 

They had  both changed and grown.

 

A fter a silent agreement and understanding, Claire shifted and made room for him and he slowly laid down behind her, close, but not close enough to touch her and that’s when he saw  them —the scars on her back, still pink and he a ling. He gasped out loud.

 

Jamie suddenly felt his own scars,  which  had he a led years ago , but he felt her pain and wanted to cry out.  _ What? Why? How?  _

 

“Please.” Claire sniffed. “Don’t ask me questions I can’t answer, Jamie. Don’t make me lie to you.”

 

He wanted to see her face. 

 

“Does it hurt?” 

 

It was the only thing he could say.

 

“Not when you are here.”

 

_ Oh God. _

 

“Permission to touch ye?”

 

There was no turning back. 

 

“Yes.”

 

Jamie moved closer, her skin burned him even when it was cold but he had gone through fire for her before. Claire was laying in  a fetal position, trying to be smaller and he  so badly  wanted to protect her from whatever invisible threats haunted her. It was intimate, two half naked bodies that had never touched before. Not like this.

 

Jamie wasn’t sure where to place his hands as he spooned her. His right arm came sneaking under her neck and the other rest ed on her hip. He cradled her. 

 

“We are ruined,” Claire whispered. “I ruined us.”

 

“Aye.”

 

There was  a long pause  where neither spoke and Jamie f ought against the urge to cry. In that second, he realized that he hadn’t cried in years,  had  never felt even remotely human enough to shed tears, but now he wanted bury himself in the crook of Claire’s neck and weep like a child. 

  
  


“Can I mend us back  together ? Our friendship, you are the most important thing in the world  to me, Jamie.”

 

Jamie wanted to say yes, wanted her to know how much he wanted to go back to how it used to be.  _ But how could he? _ He wondered.

 

“I have a new life, I dinna ken...”

 

“Doesn’t it have room for me?”

 

“We said there could room for secrets, but not lies. As long as the word  **_friendship_ ** is between us, we can never be the same.”

 

There. Jamie had said it. Acknowledged that their friendship wasn’t normal. Something they had pretended was  normal  for years. 

 

Claire didn’t answer. 

 

_ We love each other,  _ she had said in the woods. Not I love you. It was the same, but so  **_different_ ** . 

 

“Have ye loved me all along?”

 

Claire froze, then turned around. Jamie didn’t know what do with his hands anymore.  O ne arm st ayed under her neck, her hair tickling his skin, and he laid his other hand flat on his thigh,  t he warmth from her skin still haunting him. 

 

Even now, after all this time, Jamie fell into the depth of her dark and brown eyes. 

 

“You deserve light and happiness, Jamie. I have been laying here, thinking about my decision to settle down and be close to you. That was selfish of me. I came because I missed you. But it’s clear that my presence only brings you harm. I will stay as long as you need me and I, in the meantime, I will do my best to mend us back  **_together_ ** .”

 

She still hadn’t answered his question.

 

“How can ye speak of mending when ye will only break me again when ye leave me ? ”

  
  


**1982.**

 

 _Their mission had_ _to be done_ _without being noticed._ _L_ _ike ghosts,_ _they would_ _enter Yemen to find a British diplomat and his daughter, William and Geneva Dunsany, who had been capt_ _ured_ _and were_ _being held hostage by terrorists._

 

 _But Yemen w_ _as_ _falling apart._ _I_ _t was chaotic and destructive_ _because_ _of_ _a large terrorist group called_ ** _Das_** _that_ _had been terrorizing the capital city._

 

_ The public  _ _ of the rest of the  _ _ world didn’t really know much about it, other than what they heard on the news and radio. Britain was too interested  _ _ in _ _ the Royal Wedding with Prince Charles marrying Lady Diana Spencer.  _

 

_ The middle eastern president had been killed and nobody was safe. Especially not the Christian  _ _ and _ _ British people who they saw as their enemy. Das had a female leader called Sheba Dashti.  _ _ Her _ _ voice spoke of freedom and liberty, but  _ _ she  _ _ only acted in the name of herself. Nobody had  _ _ ever  _ _ seen her face. They called her  _ **_shabh_ ** _ \- Ghost. _

 

 _Officially, it was a rescue mission. But that was far away from_ _the_ _reality. The British government didn’t want to_ _appease_ _Sheba Dashti_ _in her_ _demands_ _of_ _releasing_ _t_ _he Dunsany's_ _in exchange for_ _the release of_ _a known terrorist named Isla Fares, who was_ _at the time_ _held_ _in_ _a British prison— responsible for four bombings in Manchester._

 

_ That’s where John’s group came in.  _

 

_ They had an apartment.  _ _ I _ _ t was small,  _ _ there was  _ _ no air condition _ _ ing, _ _ and they were forced to share that little space hours  _ _ on end _ _.  _

 

_ The twins, Jonathan and Frank, were identical.  _ _ T _ _ he only way, thankfully, to tell them apart was that Jonathan had long brown hair,  _ _ where _ _ as Frank had  _ _ a  _ _ short cut, but they were equally irritating, and in time Jamie saw their true colors.  _ _ T _ _ he easiest way to describe them w _ _ as _ _ evil and vicious.  _

 

_ It also definitely didn’t help that both of the Randall’s were professionally trained snipers. They could sit in the window with their guns, laughing and aiming  _ _ at _ _ innocent civilians. When confronted, both brothers just laughed and said they were joking. Jamie just waited for the day, when they would “accidentally” shoot someone who wasn’t part of their assignment. _

 

 _They_ _each_ _had a different purpose in Yemen, all_ _of whom were_ _former military_ _members with_ _a specific skill. Beyond the Randall’s, Claire was the combat nurse who had saved more lives than she had lost._ _H_ _er medical knowledge was necessar_ _y,_ _not only if they needed aid, but_ _if the Dunsany’_ _s_ _had been injured during their captivity._ _Not only that_ _,_ _but_ _Claire was_ _also_ _smart as hell and knew how to make a bomb with just four ingredients (which_ _four,_ _she refused to tell)._

 

_ During their time  _ _ there _ _ , Jamie learned that Claire had traveled the world with her late uncle ( _ _ who was  _ _ also had been a man in the military) and she learned the in's and out's of war. Her past was  _ _ a  _ _ secret, but John Grey, who was the captain of the operation, had told him— off  _ _ the  _ _ record—that she had been particularly close to Geneva Dunsany as a child. Claire was supposed to be the calm in the storm. A comfort. That was the main reason why she was there with them.  _

 

_ Nevertheless Claire was a soldier, heart and soul. _

 

_ William and Angus well, they contributed in their own way, both field officers that w _ _ ere _ _ needed to fill out their group. Jamie himself had been specific _ _ ally  _ _ chosen, not only for his strength and  _ _ ph _ _ ysi _ _ que _ _ , but because of his talent with languages.  _ _ H _ _ e spoke Spanish, Italian, French, Latin, and Arabic fluently and spen _ _ t _ _ his days with either Claire in the apartment or out in the street talking to one specific boy called Kaled, who they knew had important information  _ _ as to _ _ the whereabouts of William and Geneva Dunsany.  _

 

_ Day 77. _

 

_ It was supposed to be easy. But they now had spent more days than they  _ _ could have _ _ imagined in Yemen and still hadn’t found them. Time was working against them.  _

 

_ It was late. Jamie had been out searching for the boy Kaled again, posing as a British tourist and was on his way back to their hideout.  _ _ H _ _ e didn’t really fit in with his height and red hair but that was the point, so Kaled could easily find him. Kaled  _ _ even  _ _ had a nickname  _ _ for him _ _ — Niran, which meant  _ **_Flames_ ** _. _

 

_ But it wasn’t safe roaming the streets,  _ _ as  _ _ masked men in jeeps drove around with firearms and scared the  _ _ people in the  _ _ capital. It was the warmest day yet, even at night, but Jamie never feared being outside.  _ _ I _ _ t was  _ _ still  _ _ better than being in the hot apartment with the group. Except for talking  _ _ with _ _ Claire and John. _

 

_ Jamie was about two blocks away when he heard sirens— Das warnings.  _ _ I _ _ t was ear deafening and he hurried, nobody was allowed to be outside when the sirens called.  _

 

_ Jamie was a soldier, he was strong and trained to endure torture if necessary, but their cause would be lost if he was captured.  _

 

_ He knew exactly when he was in reach for Claire to see him from the window and he smiled as he looked up and saw her. But Claire didn’t smile back, she just hurriedly pointed at something and then she quickly disappeared from the window.  _

 

_ The  _ _ was the  _ _ sound of rapid gunshots, shouting in Arabic, and suddenly John came running out from the gate in front of him. _

 

_ “Jamie. Run!” _

 

_ Jamie do _ _ es _ _ n’t exactly remember what happened, he only saw Claire when he collapsed with pain and everything became dark. _

 

_ The eight of them quickly became seven.  _

 

—

  
  


Jamie had lived a life with only owning  what was necessary  and could fit into a  backpack . It wasn’t terrible, because he wasn’t materialistic, but he still had dreamed of one day having a house, a place of his own, close to Lallybroch.  **_Home_ ** . Jamie couldn’t say if he had dreamed about sharing it with Claire from the very beginning of their friendship, but somewhere along the way she just was there. He pictured her drinking her coffee in the living room, her reading a book outside on the porch, and her sleeping in  _ their _ bed. Claire’s beautiful curls scattered all over the pillow.

 

Maybe that was when Jamie realized that he loved her, because there never was a dream  of his  that didn’t involved Claire. 

 

And now he had a house, a home, just fifteen minutes away from Lallybroch. Claire was here but she wasn’t going to stay— It wasn’t theirs. 

 

Some time during the night, Jamie left Claire in the guest room when she had fallen asleep again. It wasn’t even a possibility for him to sleep there. His brain couldn’t stop obsessing over where she had been, what she had been through, and never in his life  did he want  to know more about the secrets written in to her skin. 

 

And, it was damn hard lying so close when she had wore nothing but a pair of panties. 

  
  


**_1982_ **

 

_ “Claire, do ye have any future plans, are ye going to stay in the army? Or settle down?” Jamie’s mother, Ellen, asked. The whole family w _ _ as _ _ having breakfast together. Day five of he _ _ a _ _ ling. “Maybe start a family?” _

 

_ Jamie wanted to roll his eyes, he knew exactly what his mother was asking. He watched Claire as she took a bit _ _ e _ _ of her sandwich and he couldn’t stop thinking about last night.  _

 

_ She had kissed him. _

 

_ “I’m not really a planner,” Claire answered. He knew she wanted to leave the army, she said as much yesterday. But they couldn’t and they couldn’t tell his family that either.  _

 

_ “No dreams of children?” His mother continued. “Jamie said that yer from London, it  _ _ has been _ _ years since I left Scotland but I can reassure ye that it’s peaceful and beautiful here, a perfect place to settle down.” _

 

_ Claire sat across the table.  _ _ S _ _ he turned, looked at Jamie and just smiled. _

 

_ “Ma, leave the lass alone,” his brother William said. He was sitting next to Jamie, looking at Claire, just as he was. Smitten. “And I’m sure Claire, has  _ **_someone_ ** _ special somewhere else. Scotland must be dull compared to her adventur _ _ ous _ _ life.” _

 

_ Jamie frowned and looked at his brother.  _

 

 _“I don’t,” Claire quickly replied. “With my profession, there is no room for romances. Friendships yes, but love_ _?_ **_No_** _.”_

 

_ “Thank God yer friends with our little Jamie, then. So we could at least have the pleasure  _ _ of _ _ meeting ye.”  _

 

_ Little Jamie...He found his mother's nickname prosperous, he was taller than everyone in his family. That’s what you get being the youngest. _

 

_ “Yes, thank God,” Claire answered his mother. “I don’t know what I would do without him. We are uncomplicated and solid. My best friend.” _

 

_ Jamie didn’t interact with Claire and his family. He was busy thinking about what Claire said —that she didn’t have room for love. He felt so stupid, after what happened yesterday when she kissed him. He was ready to dip his toes in _ _ to _ _ the unknown. Risk it all. But as Claire said, they were friends, just friends.  _

 

_ But they were far from uncomplicated, their relationship was definitely complicated. They had gone from  _ _ comrades _ _ to real life friends.  _

 

_ “Jamie?” William called out for him, he had been lost in thoughts and realized he hadn’t paid attention  _ _ to the conversation _ _. “What do ye think of taking Claire out tonight, let her taste really old and fine whiskey?” _

 

_ His back was hurting still, but he was recovering and they had been locked in this house for days. _

 

_ “Ye have been away for months,” William continued. “Let the lass have some fun. I’m guessing that ye haven’t been drinking over in Norway.” _

 

_ Norway. Their cover-up  _ _ story _ _. Where his family thought they had been. N _ _ one of them _ _ knew about the scars on his back, but they all knew something had happened and they thankfully didn’t ask questions. Claire always changed his bandages,  _ _ and  _ _ cleaned and washed his back in his room. Behind closed doors. _

 

_ Confidential. _

 

_ It had been five weeks since the incident,  _ _ since  _ _ he had been unconscious for days and woke up alone in a hospital bed in Yemen. Doctors who spoke another language, days of him trying to get them to release him. Pretending he didn’t understand them. His passport had the name Alexander Malcolm as part of their cover,  _ _ so  _ _ everyone thought he was a tourist. A civilian man who just had been at the wrong place at the right time.  _

 

_ Jamie  _ _ did _ _ n’t expected Claire to come, their mission came first. She hadn’t been able to leave their hideout. He knew that.  _

 

_ The months of trying to find William and Geneva Dunsany had been for nothing. The only reason why they were home, was because their captain, his friend, John Grey had died — May h _ _ e _ _ Rest In Peace — and because Jamie was injured.  _

 

_ The world would never know what happened to John Grey. Classified. Sealed and hidden. But never forgotten. He had saved Jamie’s life. _

 

_ They were home to heal, but Jamie knew it was  _ _ only  _ _ a matter of time before a new captain was reassigned and they needed to go back. They  _ _ did _ _ n’t even  _ _ have _ _ a choice. God Save the Queen. Hooah. _

 

_ Jamie looked at Claire, her gaze silently asking if he had the strength for it. His painkillers helped but  _ _ they _ _ didn’t take away the nightmares.  _

 

_ “Aye.” Jamie looked away. “A wee dram canna hurt.” _

 

_ Monumental realization of miss _ _ es and _ _ errors. Just friends. Jamie felt even more confused as he closed his bedroom door. He had actually thought that something  _ **_new_ ** _ was happening between them. They had spent weeks and weeks together in a crowded and warm apartment, g _ _ etting _ _ to know each other on a deeper level, both to make time fly and because it just was so damn simple with her. To talk about all and nothing.  _

 

_ Claire was spirited, an amazing person who had been through heartbreak with  _ _ the loss of _ _ her parents at a young age. But she was determined, she was going to save the world, bit by bit. Make her parents and uncle proud. Jamie admired her.  _

 

_ Jamie shook his head, it was just  _ _ his  _ _ imagina _ _ tion _ _ and it was going to be easy going back to how it was. Just friends. Best friends… _

 

_ Their night out on the town had been special and short. They managed to get a few drinks before an unexpected snow storm swept  _ _ in _ _ and forced them to cut their night short and Jamie was glad for it. _

 

 _Claire as always had been charming and happy, but her behavior could easily be confused_ _with_ _being_ _flirtatious and that was exactly how William had taken it. The two of them had been talking, laughing, making inappropriate jokes while Jamie knew_ _that_ _was just Claire being Claire. But William didn’t._

 

_ But as Jamie laid in his bed, he wondered if he had been wrong, maybe Claire did like his brother. He maybe didn’t know her as  _ _ well as  _ _ he thought, he had been sure something was between them and that was clearly wrong. Shit, how would he take that? Claire and his brother? _

 

_ His frustrated thoughts were interrupted  _ _ when _ _ his wooden door cracked, then opened. A little intoxicated, Claire walked — stumbled into the room, wearing the same gray T-shirt as yesterday and she chuckled as she slowly crept down next to him. Jamie couldn’t hide his relief and smiled at her. _

 

_ “What are ye doing?” _

 

_ “Sleeping.”  _

 

_ Jamie smiled again. _

 

_ “Tell me a secret, Fraser.” _

 

_ He thought about it for a minute. _

 

_ “I, um...have always had this fascination with Lighthouses,” Jamie told her. “I remember I wished I could live in one as a kid. There was one lighthouse in Tarbat Ness, 203 steps to the top of the tower and I used to pretend I was Scotland’s protector as I was watching over the ocean.” _

 

_ “Do you still want to live in a lighthouse, Jamie?” Claire asked softly. “Be Scotland’s protector _ _? _ _ ” _

 

_ “Nah, I dinna ken.” He chuckled low. “I remember it was my favorite place in the world.” _

 

_ “Is it still your favorite?” _

 

_ “No, there is this beautiful little dunn, a few miles away. I found it by accident when I was fifteen.” Jamie was reminiscing. “I just felt at peace by the river. I dinna ken what it  _ _ was _ _ , but I felt free there.” _

 

_ “I would love to go there. If it’s okay with you.” _

 

_ “Aye.” _

 

_ Jamie took her there.  _ _ T _ _ hey sat there for hours in the snowy forest and Jamie found  _ _ that  _ _ it became even more special with Claire there.  _

 

_ Claire slept in his room every night  _ _ while _ _ they stayed  _ _ at _ _ Lallybroch, then they left to go back to Yemen one week later.  _ _ T _ _ hey never really talked about their strange sleeping habits and they didn’t kiss again until one year later.  _

 

_ —- _

 

**Present**

**_1991._ **

 

But Jamie never fell asleep, he couldn’t. He watched the sunrise, thinking back to the beginning, analyzing their entire relationship and then, he wondered if he should just ask Claire to leave. It was too all much.

 

He couldn’t continue this facade.

 

Their chemistry, the way the world shifted when they were together. It was one in a million. From the very first time they kissed, Jamie  knew he never could be anything other than  **_hers_ ** . He was pathetic. 

 

Frustrated, he reminded himself that he had Laoghaire. But did he love her? 

 

Jamie thought long and hard about it,  and  the longer  it took, the more frustrated he  felt. If he truly loved Laoghaire, Claire wouldn’t have mattered  to him  at all and he had would have tracked her down and demanded a divorce years ago. Which he hadn’t until he blurted it out yesterday. No, tragically— he doesn’t love Laoghaire. 

 

What kind of person had he become? Using other people to feel less alone. Being with someone who was the opposite of Claire to cope. A pathetic and weak retired soldier who had more than one medallions for his bravery and now was a dried up twenty-nine-year-old construction worker.

 

“Jamie?” Claire voice  came from  behind the door. “Can I come in?”

 

“Aye.”

 

Claire slowly pushed opened the door and she was, thankfully, fully dressed. The memories of her in the dark w ere a fuzzy blurb and Jamie wished he would forget all of it. It wasn’t much he saw, only shadows and shapes, but still, it was hard to erase from his mind.

 

“I’m thinking about going back to the bed and breakfast.” Claire sounded sorrowful and there was something in her face that just wasn’t right. “It’s not that I don’t want to stay, it just…I never planned on staying with you.”

 

“As ye wish,”  h e answered, cold. “Shall I drive ye?”

 

“I'm sure it’s going to be a wonderful day, I can walk.”

 

“Why are ye so into walking all of a sudden?”

 

“We have been apart for years, Jamie, this is not all of a sudden.”

 

Like she needed to remind him.

 

“Are ye leaving right now?” 

 

He had thought of asking her to leave and now she was. Jamie still couldn’t bear it. He was so damn weak.

 

“No, not yet.” Claire still stood across the room, leaning against the wall, then she smiled weakly. “Don’t you have a job?”

 

“I  do .” 

 

“Do you wish to tell me what it is?”

 

“Why don’t ye tell me what ye do?”

 

“Jamie…”

 

“If ye have classified secrets, if ye refuse to tell me anything truthfully… why should I?”

 

“You are acting like a child, Jamie.” Claire sighed and looked away. “This is exactly why I can’t be here.”

 

“Because I’m childish?”

 

“Because you refuse to listen.” Claire answered, irritated. “Do you think this is easy? To have secrets and not be able to tell you everything? It’s sickening.”

 

“Aye, it is.”

 

Claire started walking towards him, he sat completely still in his bed and she sat down on the mattress on the other side. Far away.

 

“You of all people, I thought you  w ould understand, Jamie. The word classified means classified and just me telling you that, is dangerous enough.”

 

He did understand. He just didn’t want to. Maybe he was childish, but that was because he was so damn hurt. But he was surprised that she said it was dangerous,  l eaving him with even more questions. 

 

“I’m a construction worker.” 

 

Claire smiled at  t his revelation. 

 

“Ah. You are working with your da.”

 

“Aye, and with William.”

 

“It suits you.” She climbed onto the bed, closer,  then  sat down next to him and leaned her head against the headboard. “A normal, quiet life.”

 

Normal. He had not lived a normal life and it would never be anything remotely close to normal after what they had been through.  _ Yemen, Iraq, and Tunisian. _

 

They sat— not touching,  just  close ly next to each other and he started thinking about his family. All of them, especially his mother, were going to be so happy that Claire was back. 

 

“Do ye want to go to Lallybroch?”

 

“I do.” Claire smiled softly, then closed her eyes. “Jamie? I understand that we need...but with the divorce, can I still keep your name?”

 

His. Hers.  _ Theirs _ .

 

“Why do ye want to?”

 

“I don’t want to be alone...”

 

Th at could easily go down as the most heartbreaking thing he had ever heard. Jamie turned his head and looked her, Claire ’s eyes  were  still shut. He didn’t know what to say. 

 

“Maybe you could build me a house?” She broke the silence, he wasn’t sure if Claire was serious or not, but she sounded cheerful. 

 

“ _ Claire.. _ .”

 

Slowly, Claire opened her eyes, so many colors enlightening as the sun  shined through the window, enhancing their beauty. But there was so much pain in them.

 

“Yes?”

 

“I thought ye said yer not staying?”

 

“I know, but based on how you are acting,  m ending us could take years, probably a decade.” Claire laughed softly. “I can’t live in a bed and breakfast forever.”

 

Claire suddenly started tearing up, she quickly turned her head and looked away. 

 

“I was always going to return to you.”

 

In seconds, just like that— it felt like the four years without her hadn’t happened. His feeling towards her hadn’t gone away, it was so damn clear and he wanted Claire to just admit how she felt because she was too compl icated . Claire’s words never matched her actions and her actions never matched her words. On and off. Hot and cold. 

 

“Do ye love me?”

 

He asked her again. If they were going to heal, she had to damn well admit it. Not dance around the word.  

 

“Why do you keep asking me that?”

 

“Because I need to know. I have this story in my head, about two people who walked through war and fire. Who became inseparable and even got married because they couldn’t stand to be apart. Those two loved each other, I need to know if it was all in my head.”

 

“It wasn’t. It was  **_real_ ** , but things change. One of those people doesn’t exist...”

 

“Yet here ye are.” 

 

“We have  _ never _ been good with boundaries, I at least have done things that weren’t…I really want to stay here,  and  be close to you but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, Jamie. I didn’t....”

 

“This is madness.” Jamie sighed loudly. “We are not  **_just_ ** friends, never have  been . Why are ye lying to yerself?”

 

“We are all great stories, but it’s clear we have different perspectives. For the sake of our friendship,  t he little that is left, you need to decide if you can take me as I am, Jamie.”

 

“Or what?”

 

“I will perish, I will disintegrate and become the ghost that I  was .”

 

Claire was unbelievable. Jamie just shook his head and looked out the window. 

 

“So, have ye as a friend or ye will disappear again? Sounds like a threat.”

 

“It’s not, I just want to make sure you understand.”

 

“I don’t understand. Ye haven’t said anything.”

 

“I never...” Claire sounded scared, but Jamie wasn’t sure of why. He just felt more frustrated with her.

 

“I hear ye,” Jamie interrupted. “Boundaries ha v n’t been yer thing.  _ I have misread you for six years.  _ Innuendos and games. That what ye have played.”

 

“War,  _ comfort, _ and finding happiness in whatever you can.” Claire sighed loudly. “You are as stubborn as always, Jamie.  **_Why_ ** can’t you  just enjoy this?”

 

“Why? Because this is fucked up, Claire. All of it.”

 

“Whatever it is,  j ust live your life as it was before I came yesterday and just embrace our reunion. You have a beautiful girlfriend, how can’t this be great? I love seeing that your life has b ecome blessing. Just look at this house. Let’s not ruin this, we can pack a bag and walk to Lallybroch. I miss your family. Let’s not fight about this anymore.”

 

“Maybe ye can just go to Lallybroch, without me and hang out with William. Ye have bonded over the years, maybe he is a better version.” Jamie snapped. “Maybe he can comprehend ye better than I can.”

 

“ Comrades . Partners. Friends. Husband and wife.” Claire raised her voice and started shouting. “Comprehend that. We are who we are.  _ Deal _ with your issues and just breathe. You are overwhelmed, saying things you don’t mean, I understand that my presence is...a lot, Jamie. But don’t you dare think, don't you dare, for a second  think  that  **_anyone_ ** is more important than you. William is wonderful, but you and I, we are far, far more.”

 

Jamie rushed up from the bed, his whole body felt like it was about to explode with rage. Maybe he of all people should understand, but he didn’t understand a word. The Claire he  knew  was obviously gone and had been replaced with  this mad version. Her words and actions didn’t make  any  sense.

 

“Don’t ye see...We are  **_nothing_ ** ! ” Jamie shouted at her, his hands shaking, his fingers trembling, and he wanted to punch something. “Are ye blind? This is insane, ye have been away for four years, and before that, ye married me and ye think that’s normal? We are not normal. I have loved ye for ten years…” 

 

His chest was heaving up and down and Jamie realized he had said he loved her— for the first time Claire was awake to hear it at least. 

 

“Ten years…” Jamie suddenly couldn’t speak properly, his voice whispering out how long he had loved her. 

 

“I never said it was normal,” Claire whispered and sighed. She looked down on her hand,  at  her ring and smiled, it was just a second but Jamie saw it. Then her face became unrecognizable. “What is it you ask from me, Jamie? The truth or the lie you so desperately want to hear?”

 

“If the lie is that ye love me...Then I want ye to leave and  **_never_ ** come back.”

 

Claire silently rose from the bed and Jamie’s heart started beating faster. Was she leaving now? He panicked.

 

“The lie  **_is_ ** that we cannot have a happily ever after and the truth is…” Claire paused but continued walking around the bed towards him and she stopped a meter away from him. He had read her correctly, Claire looked scared.

 

“What is the truth?” He asked lowly. 

 

Claire just stood there, then she raised her left hand and it was shaking a little as she started unbuckled her jeans. Jamie looked away, confused and shocked as she silently started undressing.

 

“Watch.” Claire sounded stiff and strangely enough, he couldn’t look at her. “I said, watch, Jamie ! ”

 

He did.

 

Claire pulled her shirt over her head, the last clothing —except for her purple socks, she stood completely naked in front of him. He wanted to march over and hold her, but he was  unable to move. 

 

He stared at her body. The scars on her forearms, stomach and legs, bruises and cuts— new and old.  Her body almost  completely  covered. Jamie felt nauseous. He hadn’t been able to see this last night in the dark, except for her back. But now, in the light— he couldn’t unsee  it .

 

“Who...did this Claire?” His voice cracked and he realized he was crying and hadn’t even noticed. He was so heartbroken and so angry he didn’t know what to do. Someone had done this to her. Someone had hurt her, badly. He needed to know.

 

“The truth is…” Claire was also crying. “That you have been the one who has been blind. I have told you how I feel, Jamie— you apparently w ere n’t listening. Just because I  have  never said the words, my actions told you. Ten years. Six years together, four apart and I have  **_loved_ ** you every single day.”

 

_ Finally _ . Jamie thought as he moved to walk closer to Claire. But she quickly raised her hand.

 

“Stop. Stay over there.”

 

Claire cried even more, she made no effort  to hide it and he couldn’t stop looking, trying to see beyond the hurt and her bruises, but it was impossible. First time seeing her naked and it wasn’t as he had wanted  it to be . None of it  was .

 

“But part of the truth is that we cannot, under any circumstances, be together and because of this, I need to go now. Because I told you..”

 

“Wh-what?”

 

“I need to let you go no w . Leave before either of us got the chance to  **heal** .”

 

“I..dinna understand…ye canna leave now. No—”

 

“You wanted the truth. This is the consequence of it, Jamie. I missed you, I wanted to come and be close to you, but I lied, there are so many things I can’t tell you — the punishment,  **_my_ ** punishment was that I wasn’t allowed to tell you.  About h ow I felt, where I have been. I promised myself that I would never tell you.”

 

Jamie swallowed hard. He wanted to respect her wishes. However, there was no way he could stand this far apart from her any longer. Not after everything she just had said. 

 

“I’m not going to touch ye.” Jamie whispered softly. “Permission to come closer?”

 

She nodded and more tears fell down her cheeks. This situation was disturbing in all kinds of ways.

 

Somehow it felt wrong, but  he  didn’t want her to be exposed and fragile by herself. Jamie slowly started walking and took off his own clothes until he was as naked as her, he even left his own socks on. 

 

Jamie stopped close enough, he didn’t touch her. But they were inches apart— so close.

 

“ **Who** did this?”

 

“Classified.”

 

“ **Where** have ye been?”

 

“Classified.”

 

“ **Why** do ye need to leave because ye love me.”

 

“Classified.”

 

He knew Claire was going to say the same answer over and over again. She was a trained soldier. Better than him. But one last question.

 

“Knowing ye are hurt and knowing ye are leaving because I am an idiot for not listening, I’m never going to forgive myself. I’m so sorry, Claire. Will you ever forgive me?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Jamie clenched his teeth together, trying to prevent them from  trembling . 

 

“I don’t want you to apologize, Jamie. Because I came here, fooling myself that I could do it. That could live the lie I have lived for ten years. It’s my fault, This is the end for us. But I hope you can feel better knowing we were  **_always_ ** real.”

 

Claire looked into his eyes. Brown  met  blue in a different way  this time . Honest, finally, but  oh  so very painful at the same time. 

 

“Promise you will live for me, Jamie.”

 

_ No. No. No. _

 

“The second ye leave, I will die, Claire.”

 

“Me too.”

 

Claire touched him then, her hands cupp ed his face and he broke. She probably  did  too. He closed his eyes and it almost felt like he was going to faint. She didn’t let go of his face,  and  lightly brush ed away his tears. 

 

“Permission to kiss you?”

 

Jamie didn’t dare open his eyes. He nodded— wordless, or rather speechless.

 

“Your are tall as a mountain, Jamie.” Claire chuckled low. “I can’t reach.”

 

Jamie smiled shyly and bent his head down, eyes still closed. His heart  was  beating faster and faster with anticipation. He felt her radiating warmth before touch and he reflexively opened his mouth slightly and breathed her in— Claire’s breath was fresh, exactly like his toothpaste and for a second he managed to wonder when she had had the time to brush her teeth. 

 

Jamie waited and waited— but nothing happened.

 

He slowly opened one eye, then the other. Claire was so close that she was a blurry vision. It only took a second or two until she pressed her lips against his. It wasn’t gentle. It wasn’t soft—  there was four years  of  separation and heartbreak in that kiss.

 

Jamie had never had a more perfect kiss in his life.

 

The world shifted once more, or rather, they shifted. They stood flushed and close. Jamie, finally, touched her and he placed his hands on her hips. 

 

Claire’s skin was surprisingly, cool but he couldn’t stop seeing her scars in his head and due to his fear of hurting her, Jamie was afraid of exploiting time, afraid to explore and he tried focusing on her soft lips against his. 

 

But Claire must have sensed his insecurities because suddenly, she disappeared from his lips and he opened his eyes and looked at her.

 

“I meant what I said, nothing hurts around you.”

 

_ Everything hurts. _ Jamie thought. Even with her words, he didn’t believe her and still couldn’t move.

 

“We never...” Claire looked shy for the first time  since  Jamie had known her. 

 

“We never what?”

 

“Consummated our marriage.”

 

Claire was naked, Jamie was naked, but it wasn’t until now  that  his body realized it. It hadn’t been for a sexual reason  that  he undressed, nor intention to sleep with her, he only wanted to be equal with her. 

 

He swallowed hard. 

 

“Will ye still leave?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Silently, Claire took his hand,  determinedly pulling him with her and they walked towards his bed. Jamie entire body was screaming —to try to stall this and just keep her with him. 

 

They laid down, both on their sides and facing each other. Strangely not touching. They were shy, stepping into new territories and it was  as  intimidating as it was  _ right _ .

 

“Are you as scared as I am?” she whispered.

 

“What are ye scared of?” 

 

“ _ Everything _ .” 

 

“I’m terrified. Honest to God, I have never wanted ye more but still, I cannot move, Claire.”

 

“Me neither.”

 

“Whatever yer reasons are, Claire. Classified and all. Nobody knows what is happening here. We are alone in this room. I willna tell a soul, I would never endanger...”

 

“ **_They_ ** already know.” She whispered. 

 

“How?”

 

“They are  **_everywhere_ ** .”

 

Jamie felt a shiver down his spine. Who ever they were, Claire was scared of them.

 

“Just tell me, I will keep ye safe.”

 

“Pretend I’m your wife. We live here. Everything is perfect. Just pretend  for today and we  can  forget about tomorrow…”

 

Tears ran down his cheek again, he wasn’t sure how there w ere any more tears left.

 

“Ye are my wife.”

 

“And I will love you forever.”

 

The words Jamie had been dying to hear for years were now his worst nightmare —because loving him was now the very reason why Claire needed to leave again. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you didn’t hate it. I know it’s a lot of pain but always know my end game is - happy ending.  
> I know it’s confusing, hit me up with questions if you have one. Thank you for reading. Xoxo


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super nervous and super excited for you to read this new chapter. It’s complicated, angst and a little NSFW. Just bare with me, guys. 
> 
> @happytoobservefromadistance and @purpleheatherdream helped and both were amazing as always. You know what you mean to me. ❤️

In all those years, no one ever mattered...not like Claire did. Whoever ‘ **they’** were—Jamie’s old military instincts kicked in. He was going to fix this. Make things right. Without a single doubt, he was going to kill **them**.

 

—

 

Still in bed. Both naked. Neither touching. There was a painful stillness in the room. An ebbing flow that decreased and then increased. Jamie wanted her, badly, but feared Claire would leave the second after they made love. He wanted to change that outcome.

 

Jamie couldn’t stand the thought of her leaving again.

 

“I’m not pretending,” Jamie finally got the courage to say. Claire wanted to pretend everything was perfect. “I have been for ten years, but not now and never again.”

 

They had not yet touched, and the anticipation was like a deadly force that only left him feeling guilty. For wanting her, for not listening, for not understanding.

 

“Have you falsely played my friend...to sleep with me, Fraser?” Claire chuckled softly. “Because I could have sworn we have truly been the bestest of friends.”

 

Claire sometimes had difficulty with being genuine and honest. It was a common habit for her to joke away what was uncomfortable. But Jamie wasn’t having it.

 

“Friends, friends, friends...” Jamie shook his head. “I’m sick of the word and its meaning. We have never just been friends, Claire. We were bound by the word and acted improperly around it. But it wasn’t false, I just took what ye gave me and tried to convince myself that it was enough…”

 

“Was it? _Enough_ I mean.”

 

“No. But I would do it all over again.”

 

**1982.**

 

_Day 120_

 

 _Jamie had never felt more_ _of_ _a failure as he did now. It wasn’t really his fault, but he_ _also_ _blamed himself. Most_ _of all_ _, he blamed the Randall’s._

 

 _Their mission_ _was_ _supposed to finally be over, they had the address, the_ _whereabouts of_ _where William and Geneva Dunsany_ _were being held_ _. The seven of them had all been prepared to enter the_ _tall red_ _building— his informant, Kaled, was one hundred percent sure that this was the right place and even had pictures showing William Dunsany walking through the_ _large_ _blue doors._

 

 _Maybe Kaled had tricked him or maybe_ _D_ _as_ _was just two steps ahead— again._

 

 _It had been dark. The street was clear_ _and_ _they used the shadows to sneak closer. Angus took the lead and when he stood by the door, he was suddenly surrounded by fire._

 

_Flamethrowers. Gunshots from every side and corner._

 

_They were ambushed._

 

_Angus got hit._

 

 _Jamie noticed a quick movement of something_ _that looked like a black spray can fl_ _ying_ _out from the building window and Angus slowly disappeared in a fog of smoke._

 

 _Their new captain in charge, the older gruesome brother_ _by_ _two minutes Jonathan Randall, shouted_ _for them to_ _retreat. Like cowards. They started backing up._

 

_But Jamie wasn’t having it, he wasn’t going to leave Angus bleeding in the street._

 

_You never leave a man behind. Under any circumstances._

 

 _Apparently Claire_ _thought so too_ _._ _S_ _he rushed forward, unarmed, and disappeared into the smoke and fire._

 

 _Claire was_ _brave. She was braver_ _than most people Jamie had met, but to run_ _in_ _unarmed_ _was_ _stupid and reckless. She was a nurse God dammit._

 

 _It was without hesitation_ _that_ _Jamie ran after her, but he couldn’t see anything._ _Angus’_ _screams echoed._

 

 _Jamie was_ _keeping_ _steady, holding and aiming his weapon. Trying to see. Trying to find them. The adrenaline pumping_ _through him_ _._

 

 _“_ _Jamie!”_ _Claire voice shout_ _ed_ _in the distance. Somewhere to his left._

 

 _Jamie was out in the open, but he couldn’t see the threats. The_ _shots_ _at them had come from the window. The_ _shooters_ _were still firing and he wasn’t sure if he was in the_ _ir_ _range or not. Still, he didn’t hesitate._

 

_Jamie tried to get them all to safety._

 

 _Sometimes people do the right thing for the wrong reasons and_ _Jamie shall never_ _forget_ _h_ _ow Angus called out for his mother seconds before he closed his eyes forever._ _His_ _command_ _ing_ _officer_ _had_ _abandoned them._ _As well as_ _the rest of their team._

 

 _But what would never leave him was how Claire sounded when the fire caught her hair,_ _bursting_ _quick into a halo of flames._

 

 _“I’m look_ _ghastly_ _. Ugly doesn’t even cut it.”_

 

_“Claire...”_

 

_“Are you not seeing this?”_

 

_“I am.”_

 

 _When Jamie finally got_ _to_ _them, he had been quick to_ _find_ _Claire standing next to Angus_ _. Then, Jamie_ _had seen her when she was on fire, falling to the ground and rolling around and he had quickly draped her head with his shirt, desperately trying to put out the fire in her hair. But that curly, beautiful hair of hers had been properly damaged. You could see her skull,_ _there_ _was just whips left._

 

 _A few hours_ _later,_ _they were_ _back_ _in their second hideout. The new place they were staying was far, far away from where they had started their mission. The apartment was still small, but bigger than the last_ _one_ _. Claire was standing in front of the mirror in her room. As the only woman, she had her own compared to the men on the team who shared the living room._

 

 _The history textbooks would never know her bravery and Angus Mhor would be buried with the lies of a mission that never existed. Jamie grieved_ _for_ _his friend._

 

 _Jamie closed the door behind him and walked across the room. He came to stand next to Claire. She was crying, grieving Angus_ _too_ _and he knew she was_ _just_ _pretending to be upset about her hair, instead of admitting she was sad because of_ _Angus’_ _death. She didn’t handle emotions very well._

 

_“It’s a bit asymmetrical, but a small flaw improves its beauty. Ye are beautiful, Claire, and bravest woman I know.”_

 

_Claire silently handed him a knife._

 

_“Take it all off.”_

 

 _So Jamie did. He carefully shaved the rest of her_ _hair. When_ _he was_ _done, he_ _asked her to do the same_ _to him_ _._

 

 _Both of them_ _were_ _bald and bruised but not alone._

 

_——_

 

**Present.**

 

“Different parallel dimensions. Do you believe the theories about them?” Claire whispered. “I like to think they exist. I can’t tell you were I have been. But when I was there, I imagined us. We were unharmed, undaunted, and whole.”

 

Jamie looked at her. Claire had always been there to light up the dark. But there wasn’t much light left in her and he desperately wanted to save her. He wanted her to be unharmed, undaunted, and whole.

 

“Jamie, it feels like I’m dying, I need to know how it feels to have your hands on my skin. But not for the sake of healing. There is this terrible emptiness in me, I need you to fill the void. Make me feel again.”

 

Jamie wondered why he was being such a coward. He was a grown man after all, sex was huge part of reconciliation — to find a way where words couldn’t go.

 

Just to watch her simply wasn’t enough, but he had trouble with how to start. How to take action in hand that is. But it was time. They needed to heal. Before they broke all over again.

 

“Promise me, if it hurts...if I hurt ye, ye need to tell me.”

 

“I don’t think I will stop you even if it hurts.”

 

“That’s not helping.”

 

Jamie still couldn’t move.

 

“Stubborn fool,” Claire said and crept closer. Without any care, she forcefully pulled off the covers and Jamie blushed as she looked up and down his naked body. He wasn’t far from damaged either, but his scars were old.

 

Claire sat down on her knees beside him, and placed her left hand on his chest.

 

“I have wanted to know how your chest hairs would feel under my palm. Feel your heart beating faster with anticipation.”

 

A moment, then another. Jamie couldn’t take his eyes of her. He had imagined her body, craved to know everything about her. How she felt, how she tasted, and what she sounded like when she came. All of it. But just because you saw saw a naked body, didn’t mean you actually saw someone. To truly see someone, you needed to uncover them layer by layer in order to see into their souls to truly see them naked.

 

“It is racing now.”

 

“I can feel that.” Claire smiled softly. “We have shared a bed more times than I can count. I have felt your wanting, your desire hard for me when you held me, Jamie. It has taken all the strength in me to...not give in. But now, right here, I don’t want to fight against it.”

 

Neither did he.

 

“Remember that night when…” Claire looked adorable. She had never been one to be shy and yet now she was. “When I asked you what love is?”

 

Jamie knew well enough. It had been the same day Angus had died and they had shaved their heads. Claire had asked him to sleep in her room and he brought his mattress and placed it next to her bed.

 

——

 

**1982.**

 

_“Jamie,” Claire whispered, hoarsely. “Are you awake?”_

 

_“Aye.”_

 

_“Are you afraid of dying?”_

 

 _Jamie couldn’t see her in the dark. But from the floor, he heard her shift on her bed as the mattress_ _creaked_ _. He turned and looked up_ _to see_ _Claire’s head peeking out._

 

 _“No,” Jamie answered. “Death itself, no. But_ _to_ _stop existing? Yes...”_

 

_“Hmm.” Claire hummed lowly._

 

_A long pause. They just looked at each other. The same intense atmosphere they always seem to have, which was so electric that he could almost touch it._

 

_“We should sleep.”_

 

_Jamie needed it to stop._

 

_“I can’t.”_

 

 _Neither could he. But they needed to. Sleep and wake up._ _Then m_ _ove on from today and do their job. Claire sighed loudly, nodded, and disappeared from his sight._

 

_He breathed out._

 

 _The room was warm,_ _just like_ _every other_ _day.  He_ _was fully dressed, making the heat worse. Jamie tried_ _not to_ _think about John and Angus, because it brought him pain. He tried not to think of the Randall’s, as that only brought him anger. The only thing left to focus on was Claire._

 

_He shouldn’t._

 

_But he couldn’t stop himself._

 

 _Jamie felt confused. It had been weeks since they slept in the same room, since they had kissed, and they had yet_ _to_ _talk about it. It had meant something— but here in Yemen, it was like it hadn’t happened. He had tried to forget it, they were friends._ _Colleagues_ _. A team. They needed to be different here._

 

_But it was impossible. She crept under his skin._

 

 _Her words and_ _her_ _actions never matched. Claire always wanted to be near him and he wanted nothing more than to be near her. It was driving him mad. But_ _it_ _also made him feel shameful how her_ _mere_ _presence_ _was making him so damn unprofessional. He was a soldier, sworn to act and protect his country, but all he could think of was_ _protecting_ _her. It was distracting._ _And_ _yet he_ _welcomed_ _it. He would always_ _save_ _her._

 

 _Claire was the only thing_ _that_ _made this whole operation bearable._

 

 _Jamie was supposed to be her friend, yet he saw her in a different light. M_ _aybe_ _it wasn’t just him?_ _With a_ _ll the bantering, the closeness, the tender looks._

 

_“Jamie.”_

 

_“Aye?”_

 

_“I can hear you thinking.”_

 

_He swallowed hard._

 

_“Sorry. I’m disturbing ye, I should go.”_

 

 _“Please.” Her head peeked out again. She looked so sad,_ _and_ _even with her hair shaved_ _, she still was so beautiful. “Don’t…_ _don’t_ _leave me alone.”_

 

_“I’ll stay.”_

 

_Claire smiled weakly._

 

_“One more question.”_

 

_“Aye?”_

 

_“What is love?”_

 

_He frowned, confused, and she just looked at him._

 

_“Have ye ever been in love?” he asked._

 

_“No.”_

 

 _“I’m not sure what it is. I remember that in fifth grade, I thought love was holding hands and eating sandwiches together. I thought of love and identified it with french braids and summer. But when I grew up, I realized it was finding comfort in someone. To speak freely without needing to think,” Jamie started speaking from his heart just_ _from_ _seeing her face_ _. Realization_ _dawned upon him that he maybe loved her, because he now identified it with her— he loved Claire._

 

 _“Throughout it all, I_ _always thought_ _love_ _was_ _finding someone who makes everything worthwhile. Good and bad. Unconditional._ _No matter what_ _, someone who doesn’t fear being less, to let the other one be more.”_

 

_“Shouldn't love be equal, the exact same amount?”_

 

 _“Nothing is. Why should love_ _be_ _?”_

 

_“Doesn’t sound very love-ly.”_

 

_“Who said it was?”_

 

_“Oh, Fraser, suddenly sounding so cynical.”_

 

_Always using humor as self defense. Claire’s invisible shield. That he knew._

 

_“Says she who has never loved.”_

 

_“Have you?”_

 

_“Aye.”_

 

 _The question should have been— are you in love. The answer would be the same._ **_Yes_ ** _._

 

 _“Can you find the same comfort in friendships?” Claire asked. “Does it_ **_need_ ** _to be_ **_love_ ** _? Seeking comfort and unconditionally giving yourself, without being in love. Wanting warmth_ _and_ _craving closeness, but not the promise of forever?”_

 

_Sex. That was what she was implying. Wasn’t it?_

 

_Just the thought of her skin made his breathing heavier, like the air was thicker and he was scared he was going to suffocate._

 

_“What are ye asking?”_

 

 _He started to feel nervous_ _, as well as_ _aroused at the thought of her._

 

 _“Just thinking about comfort. Those who doesn’t want to love, are they destined to be without_ _it_ _? There are so many different ways of comforting someone.”_

 

_She didn’t want love._

 

 _“Everyone_ _finds_ _comfort in what they want.”_

 

 _“_ _And_ _you find it only in love?” Claire asked. “In this hell of a place, where_ _do_ _you find comfort, Jamie? In the idea of love or something else?”_

 

_“I dinna ken,” he lied. Claire’s eyes bore into his. It was obvious that his answer wasn’t what she wanted to hear. What did she want? Damn woman._

 

_“We are friends aren’t we?”_

 

 _“Aye.” He swallowed hard again. He had no idea where she was taking this and he was embarrassed_ _about_ _how turned on he was getting. It had been ages since_ _he had been intimate with someone_ _, and_ _even_ _that time hadn’t been_ _that_ _good._

 

_“Do I give you comfort?”_

 

_“Aye.”_

 

_“How?”_

 

_He couldn’t answer it. Not without exposing his true emotions that would probably ruin them. Their friendship. He knew it. Claire didn’t want love, nor had she ever been in love. He was only fooling himself._

 

_“We...really should sleep.”_

 

_The answer of a coward._

 

_“I want you to comfort me, Jamie.”_

 

_“Wh--how?”_

 

_“I don’t know.”_

 

_They held hands, throughout the night and into early dawn. Jamie barely slept and he was sure Claire didn’t either._

 

_——-_

 

**Present.**

 

“You said love was comfort and I said I wanted you to comfort me,” Claire said. “That was me, being cowardly and too scared to tell you that I was falling in love with you. You asked if I had been in love and I lied.”

 

“I lied too.”

 

“Tragic that we said no lies.”

 

“Ten year’s worth of tragedy.”

 

“And **_still_ ** you loved me all along.”

 

“And you me?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I would give everything to just go back. Turn back time to where I didn’t know and ye didn’t have to leave. But either way, Claire ye are my wife and I don’t want to part with ye.”

 

 _I_ **_will_ ** _not part with you._

 

Claire silently rose to her knees and climbed on top of him. Flesh met flesh. Heat with heat. Fire with Fire. She leaned forward, until they were breathing the same air, savouring every sigh and inescapable moans.

 

“I never wanted to be in love. Maybe that’s why I never admitted it,” she whispered. “My biggest regret is that I didn’t tell you earlier, or that I said it at all. You said love wasn’t equal. I became less because I thought that was the right thing to do...”

 

It was clear Claire still didn’t fully understand the true meaning of love. Jamie probably didn’t either— Nobody in their right mind would go ten years without confessing their love. But he hadn’t meant **_she_ ** was supposed to be less, to run away to God knows where, to secretly love him from a distance because she thought she was protecting him.

 

“Ye know I will follow ye?” He whispered. He couldn’t stall anymore. Nor did he want to.

 

“I know you will try.” Claire brushed her lips softly against his.

 

He had only spoken from his own perspective that night. Because he became less when he accepted that she only wanted friendship from him. It wasn’t supposed to be her. Claire had taken his words and twisted them, then believed them. No, neither of them understood the meaning of love. Yet they loved each other.

 

A decade lost.

 

“Jamie, please.”

 

Ten years of wanting and yearning. Ten years of living a lie, and somehow it didn’t matter in this exact moment. _Right now,_ they were free.

 

His cock was hardening, he felt her wetness and it was driving him mad. His heart felt her love and it hurt. In every possible way, his body responded to hers.

 

No more hesitation, no more asking for permission. Jamie took a firm handful of Claire’s hair as he pressed her closer, harder than intended and still not hard enough and their kiss quickly deepened. Oh god how wonderful she tasted.

 

Claire’s tongue playing with his.

 

The way she moaned softly into his mouth.

 

How she slowly started grinding against him.

 

It was euphoric. It was blissful. It was raw and they had just gotten started.

 

Suddenly, Jamie felt it—Claire’s hand between their bodies, her thumb pressing onto the head of his cock, lightly sliding around with ease with the help of his pre-cum. He groaned, louder and louder.

 

“Claire.”

 

Claire stopped kissing him, then sat upright a little to look at him. She was straddling him, her cheeks pink, the light in the room gave him the perfect, clear picture. He didn’t see her bruises— he just saw her.

 

“I have longed for this. All of it.” Claire smiled softly. Then, one, two, three tears slowly escaped her eyes. “Fuck...I’m ruining the moment.”

 

“Nothing is ruined.” Jamie quickly reached out, wiped away the tears and Claire leaned into his palm. “Ye said it yerself, we can **_never_ ** be ruined...”

 

They had had ten years worth of foreplay, ten years worth of longing and those high expectations still couldn’t compare to how it felt when Claire, finally, took a firm hold around his cock and slowly brought him closer to her entry, teasing both of them.

 

Jamie just watched, dumbstruck, his mouth slightly opened and breathing the heaviest he had ever breathed as he inch by inch disappeared deeper inside her.

 

“Oh, God...”

 

Claire’s head fell back, and her next moan sent a warming and visceral reaction into the very core of him. She was so slick and tight. It was intoxicating, the feeling of being one with her.

 

Back and forth, Claire began riding him.

 

Jamie’s hands gripped her thighs and slowly started jerking his hips up to met her movements. Each push was deliberate, slow and hard.

 

They fumbled with their pace, Jamie was trying to go slow whereas Claire wanted the opposite.

 

Claire was digging her nails into his skin. Her breasts bounced and her hips rolled uncontrollably and vigorously, grinding back and forth.

 

Begging for more.

 

As impatient as running a red light, Jamie felt possessed, prepared to crash and burn — slowly falling into a dark place where he needed to claim her, invisibly mark her as his own. Jamie couldn’t continue to stay gentle and careful, not when Claire was urging him to go faster, harder and grinding back and forth. Moaning louder and louder.

 

“Oh, oh, please, yes. Harder.”

 

Claire didn’t weigh much, not to him at least.

Jamie felt painfully aware of how close he was already. Each of his hands grabbed an ass cheek, kneading them hard and spreading them apart, then he practically lifted her up and then pushed her down hard again.

 

“Christ.” Jamie made a strangled noise and slowed down, just to catch his breath.

 

“Don’t...you...dare…stop.” Claire stuttered and cried out, begging.

 

He didn’t.

 

They were sweating, engulfed in wet heat. He couldn’t get enough. His brain must have short-circuited or stopped functioning, because the word _stop_ had somehow been eliminated from his vocabulary.

 

“Oh fuck, oh, Jesus, fuck yes, there, just like that, fucking Christ!”

 

Jamie wished he could say it was a beautiful union, but that was the furthest thing from the truth and he knew Claire would agree. It was dark, carnal, and aggressive.

 

Jamie would never, ever ask who or if there had been anyone before him. But he was making sure nobody would make her feel like he did. Rutting and thrusting, flesh with flesh. Raking nails across skin.

 

_Breathing._

_  
_ _Rasping._

 _  
_ _Crying out._

 _  
_ _Begging._

 

His toes curled and his head was spinning. Claire was riding him faster and his hands were holding tightly onto her body as she rocked against him with each thrust, wanting more. Her eyes were closed while her mouth was slightly open.

 

“Open yer eyes, Claire.”

 

Claire was an ethereal beauty. She opened her eyes and made eye contact. Her face warped into an expression only for him, that he had never seen before, and he would make sure no one else would ever see.

 

Claire was shivering.

  
Jamie was shuddering.

  
They were quivering together.

 

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Claire repeated like an broken record, playing a song Jamie had wanted to hear for so long and he never wanted it to end. He increased his speed, to the point where it was driving him insane to be inside her, to finally feel whole and knowing it was about end. Knowing Claire loved him.

  
Gasps and moans.

 

“ **_Jamie…_ **”

 

Jolts and jerks.

 

“ **_Claire_ ** **...** ”

 

His name. Her name. **_Their_ ** **_name remained_ ** unsaid, but was represented by their marriage finally being consummated.

 

——

 

“I dinna want to be less. And I was wrong. I was so wrong,” Jamie whispered, laying close to Claire and just watching her sleep.

 

It was still pretty early, the sun was shining brightly into the room and he just watched her. Never had he been more thankful for exhaustion. Claire was so beat she had fallen asleep soon after their joining. He needed to make her stay as long as he could.

 

After awhile, Jamie was feeling thirsty and carefully slipped out of bed to go to the kitchen. Quietly and slowly, he walked further away from the bed, from Claire.

 

But he didn’t get far, because something caught his eye when he was putting on his briefs.

 

It was a note, sticking out from Claire’s jeans pocket. He read it, knowing it was intrusive.

 

**_You need to leave._ **

 

Four words. One sentence that set his body into a raging explosion. It was obvious—someone had been in his house and left this threat.

 

Moving in a madness, Jamie stormed out of his bedroom and into the guest room where Claire had been sleeping. Where she had her things.

 

 **Classified**. He no longer cared for the word. Nothing would stop him from doing this. Not even Claire.

 

 _There_. Claire only had a black backpack, typical of a soldier’s life. He emptied it, all her things falling down onto the bed. Passports, envelopes with cash in different currencies, clothes, papers, a picture of him and her. But in a hidden pocket, he also found more notes.

 

**You have no voice. You have no name. Don’t forget that.**

 

Different handwriting from the one he found in her jeans, but a threat all the same. What did they mean? Who sent them?

 

 **You can't hide in the woods. No** **t any** **where.**

 

It was disturbing. To read and know someone had given her these for a reason that he didn’t know.

 

He started going through the papers, but there wasn’t anything on them that could explain where Claire had been or what she had been doing.

 

Jamie opened up the passports, there were three of them. All with different colors and names.

 

_Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp Fraser._

_Isobel Dunsany_

_Aida Fares_

 

 _What the…_ _?_ Jamie stood, shocked, as he stared at the names o n the passports. The world suddenly started spinning. It was Claire’s photo on all of them. Fake identities. **_Hers_ **.

 

_Dunsany and Fares._

 

It took him a second to figure out why the name Fares was so familiar. Where Dunsany he knew (even if he didn’t understand why she had that name as well), Isla Fares was the terrorist who Das- Sheba Dashti- had wanted out of jail, why they had taken the British diplomat and his daughter from the beginning.

 

Isla Fares never got out and she  committed suicide at the same time William Dunsany was killed in Yemen 1982.

 

But he had also heard of the name **Aida Fares**. A terrorist who appeared out of nowhere.

 

Jamie was shaking and cold from rage. He didn’t understand what he was looking at. Why was Claire pretending to be all of these people and who was actually in his bed sleeping? Claire? Isobel? Aida?

 

He felt nauseous and his head was spinning.

 

“I can’t tell you.” Claire voice was strange and he turned around to face her, still holding the passports. “You don’t understand, Jamie.”

 

“Never tell me I dinna understand, I have been through enough. Tell me!” he shouted at her. “What the hell is this?”

 

Claire stood in the doorway, wearing a grey T-shirt that was his and it was way too big for her. Her face looked pale and greyish, almost ghost like. The woman in front of him wasn’t his wife who he just made love to and he was scared she wasn’t here at all. She was a soldier. But not the one he knew.

 

“Classified.”

 

“What’s your name?” he demanded. “Tell me yer name.”

 

“Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp **Fraser**.”

 

“Then **who** is Isobel and Aida?”

 

“Classified.”

 

It felt like a military interrogation. She answered like the soldier she was. Cold, short, and with a firm determination to never break her sacred vows to betray her nation.

 

 _Which nation?_ he wondered.

 

“ **Aida Fares** is a known terrorist. I may have been civilian for a while now, but I ken who she is.” Jamie sounded like anyone but him self . Rage had overtaken him. “And I ken William Dunsany only had **_one_ ** daughter, so who the hell is Isobel?”

 

“Classified.”

 

“NO! DAMN IT!” he shouted, his sudden aggression startling Claire, but she quickly stood tall and became expressionless again. “Ye dinna get to do this, Claire. Someone has been in my house and leaving threats. Threatening ye. I’m not taking ‘Classified’ anymore. Why is someone so desperately trying keep you from me?”

 

“Because...” Claire took a deep breath. “You are my weakness. They don’t trust me around you.”

 

“Who has been in my house, Claire?”

 

“Classified.”

 

“Is it the same people who hurt ye?”

 

“Yes. I think so.”

 

Jamie just shook his head in disbelief. He couldn’t understand how she couldn’t trust him. He could protect her.

 

“Why can’t you tell me? Why are ye even back?”

 

“I’m sick.” Claire whispered, it was so low he barely heard her. But he did. “I’m sick... **again**.”

 

His head was spinning faster now and he couldn’t stand upright, inevitably crashing down on the bed with Claire’s things scattered all over.

 

_No. No. Please. No_

 

“Are ye dying?”

 

Jamie noticed he was crying, and quickly wiped away his tears. It felt like his throat was tightening more and more the longer his question remained unanswered.

 

“Please,” he begged. Claire stood still in the doorway. She wasn’t crying. She remained looking like anything but herself.

 

“I can’t tell you anything about the things you are asking.” Claire finally spoke. “But I was free to leave one month ago, with the final diagnosis and promises from a doctor who said I only had days left to live.”

 

Claire bit down on her lower lip, then walked over to the bed and sat down on the other side— far away from him. The silence felt as loud as the sirens in Yemen. Both ear deafening and horrible.

 

“It was a coverup, a lie. I’m sick—not dying though, not yet anyway.” A hint of fear in her eyes. “I traveled away from where I can’t say, but came back to England. I never planned on coming here but I couldn’t help it, Jamie. I was free. I _thought_ it was safe when I came to Scotland a week ago.”

 

“What? Ye have been here a week?”

 

Jamie interrupted her. He wanted to punch something.

 

“Yes, I thought it was safe and I’m sorry. I tried to leave this morning, I **_told_ ** you I needed to go back and stay at the bed and breakfast.”

 

“What? So yer allowed to be in Scotland, just not with me?”

 

“I’m sorry. I never should have come. But...I...”

 

“What? What more canna ye say?”

 

“I’m selfish. Alright? I came because I have missed you for years and I thought. I hoped... I hoped I could just walk into Scotland unnoticed and live here, with a fair amount distance away from you—as your friend. I thought it was fine. That they were gone... Then I got the first two notes yesterday, but you were waiting in the car and I....”

 

“It still doesn’t make sense. Why is the definition of our relationship important to someone else? Why can’t we be together?”

 

“Because they are afraid of you.”

 

“What? But... if they are afraid of me, stay.”

 

“I can’t.”

 

Jamie wanted to cry and scream at the same time.

 

“What do the notes even mean?”

 

**You have no voice. You have no name. Don’t forget that.**

 

 **You can't hide in the woods. No** **t any** **where.**

 

**You need to leave.**

 

“It means I can’t talk. It means I can’t be Mrs. Fraser,” Claire explained, frustrated. “It means **they** were watching us in woods yesterday. Nowhere is safe and they proved as much when they left the _third_ note on my pillow sometime during the night.”

 

 _They were in here._ Jamie’s mind couldn’t wrap around what was happening.

 

“Why didn’t ye just run away...again?”Jamie cried out. He felt so betrayed. Claire disrupted his life, she was sick (he couldn’t stand it), someone was after her (he was terrified) and yet, she still couldn’t say anything (he was furious).

 

Broken trust, over and over again.

 

“I have said it all day. I love you...”

 

 _Aida._ The name meant - One who returns. Ironic. A piece of unimportant information he couldn’t stop himself from realizing in the painful silence. It was Arabic. One clue closer to trying to understanding? No.

 

 _Isobel_. A Spanish variant of Elizabeth and in Hebrew meant “God is my oath.”

 

Claire's middle name was Elizabeth.

 

 **_Nothing_ ** made sense. What was real?

 

“Yer words...they are losing meaning. I’m asking again. Who are ye?”

 

“You know who I am.”

 

“Aida Fares. Isobel Dunsany. Claire…” Jamie glanced over to passports on the floor. He must have dropped them. “I dinna ken who ye are. Always a soldier, country comes first. But this...yer starting to sound like a traitor. Ye ken that?”

 

Claire didn’t answer, she just sat there trying to hold back her emotions. She wasn’t going to tell him anything. _Classified. Classified. Classified._

 

“Thank you.” Jamie answered sarcastically to her silence. “For absolutely nothing.”

 

“I gave you the truth I could give. Maybe, if I had been the one sent to Iraq, **_instead_ ** of you, things might have been different.” Claire was crying now, looking more and more like herself again. “ I love you and I missed you. That’s why I came...it all may be for nothing, but for me, today was…”

 

 _Iraq?_ What did it had do with anything? Jamie wondered. He was shipped away, or more like banished, in 1983 and relocated in Iraq as Claire stayed in Yemen. Was this Claire giving him a clue? Breadcrumbs to follow? The war had started because of him. She had nothing to do with it.

 

“Do you think I sleep at night?” Claire raised her voice. Tears streaming down. “That I’m feeling even remotely human? No. But I need you to trust me. Please! You know me, Jamie. Maybe I don’t know what love is exactly, but I have sacrificed **everything** for it.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, it would be so easy if it was Claire POV. I hoped you liked the chapter and I cannot express enough how glad I am that you are reading this. Thank you! As for the next chapter, we will go to Lallybroch where Jamie finds out his own mother had had contact with Claire over the years. So many questions!!!!?!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this chapter is long and heavy. I know this isn’t for everyone and I need to warn ⚠️you that it’s very very angst and violence. I needed to invent a war to make my story fit so this is all very fictional and just my imagination and as english is not my language, i have tried my best. I have had @purpleheatherdream as beta and she was incredible!
> 
> THERE IS NOT. Any rape involved. NON!
> 
> Just heads up, there is very much information and I totally get it if it’s confusing but I hope you like it.
> 
> ⚠️

”I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here, one last chance. Tell me the truth.”

 

“Jamie…”

 

“NO!” Jamie raised his voice, he sounded desperate and he was. “Do ye know how bad it feels...to know yer sick, Claire. To know someone is hurting ye and to know that whatever ye have done, good or bad, I’m going to wait my whole life for ye.”

 

Within the silence, standing in the middle of the guest room, there was Claire. His wife. With numerous of names which all represented lies. But also one that was love.

 

A terrible aching pain in his chest.

 

“You think I like this? I have endured torture of inscrutable pain for hours and I did it. I endured—by disappearing into a place so far deep inside myself, where names mean nothing.”

 

Through the pain, Jamie suddenly realised it. Oh how blind with rage he had been. Claire was a badass soldier, she had (as repeatedly stated) been tortured and but yet stayed true to her orders. But she admitted her feelings and undressed naked for him to see. She wanted him to see. She wanted him to know.

 

“Yer sad and lonely,” he said softly, the anger slowly washing off. “Ye came for a reason. Ye wanted me to help ye.”

 

”What? No I didn’t.” Claire sounded conflicted. “I came because I missed you and I thought it was safe. I planned on living near, but not close. I just...”

 

“No, ye have lived ten years with your lies and it only took ye what...a few hours to break. Yer a soldier, as ye have proven over and over again. Yer here because yer sick of running, Claire. Ye knew that they, whoever they are, where going to find ye and still ye came. Because ye wanted my help. For me to save ye. It’s that the truth?”

 

“No. I didn’t. I thought they were..” Claire stopped talking, like she almost told him something he wasn’t supposed to know and that just encouraged Jamie to continue, she was slipping.

 

“Aye, Claire! Ye knew I wouldn’t let ye leave again. Ye knew I was never going to let ye disappear again. Yer a soldier, thick skinned, and yet ye undressed and revealed all yer secrets in a heartbeat. So easily.”

 

“I didn’t… I just needed you to know I loved you.”

 

“Ten years, ye have hidden that for ten years, why even bother telling me now?”

 

“Ehm…” Claire was stuttering. “you said...”

 

“Ye let yer guard down.” Jamie smiled. “Claire. Ye let yer stuff lay exposed for me to find. Ye wanted me to find those passports. Ye wanted me to confront ye. To find out the truth...”

 

“No. That’s not…” Claire was beginning to sound more frustrated.

 

“I have heard ye lie for years. Yer brilliant, that’s why yer such a good soldier. It’s intimidating and terrifying how easily ye could and still can convince anyone of anything. And yet I see right through it now, because I have finally seen the truth in yer eyes—when ye told me ye loved me. That was ye. Not Aida, not Isobel. But my friend, my wife. Claire Beauchamp Fraser.”

 

Blinking, Claire stood completely still, tears running down her cheeks and her breathing hitched, like she realized what he was saying. But was refusing to admit it. Or so he hoped.

 

Jamie walked over to her, determined, and quickly cupped her cheeks and kissed her lightly. Claire was resistant, her lips were stiff— she was fighting against him.

 

“What’s yer name? Where have ye been?”

 

“Classified.”

 

Silently, Jamie just shook his head. Wrong answer. But he wasn’t giving up.

 

“Why are ye here?”

 

“I told you.”

 

“Because ye love me?”

 

“Yes, but that’s not why I came. I wanted to be near you…”

 

“Knowing I would take ye back in a heartbeat?”

 

He interrupted, seeing the truth in her eyes.

 

“No, that’s not it. I thought it was safe.”

 

“No, ye didn’t.”

 

“I did.”

 

“Yer self destructive. Ye are here because yer done.”

 

“No.”

 

“Fine.” Jamie released her, walked passed her without hesitation and continued out through the door, then down the hallway and into his room. He knew she would follow him.

 

Please let this be the right way.

 

Jamie closed his eyes for a second, then opened his closet and took out his revolver— he hadn’t touched it in years. It was only for protection and now he was going to use it for a completely different reason. He started sweating, the gun weighed heavier than he remembered. Or maybe it was the past, with it’s guilt and shame, weighed it down.

 

Jamie turned around, holding the gun. The only way to make her cave—was to break the soldier in her.

 

Claire stared at the gun.

 

“Are you going to shoot me?” Claire sounded confused and little scared. She looked pale again and self contained at the same time.

 

Patriot. Soldier. Fighter.

 

“No.”

 

Jamie would never hurt her. His hands started shaking as he brought the gun up and slowly placed it against his temple. He felt the cold metal, and could almost taste the blood.

 

He was scared. Fucking terrified.

 

“What are you doing?” Claire cried out.

 

“Tell me, or I’ll shoot.”

 

“What? No! Please...”

 

Jamie opened up the cylinder and silently showed Claire that there was one bullet inside of it.

 

Claire stood with her mouth open in shock and terror. He knew he was being cruel, and frankly fucking stupid, but it was the only way.

 

He was going to unlayer her, until she was only Claire.

 

He placed the muzzle against his forehead again. To do this, he needed to stop being Jamie Fraser, the construction builder. He needed to stop be himself in order to actually go through with it.

 

He swallowed hard and closed his eyes.

 

When he opened them, he was suddenly the broken soldier he had been all over again. Trained to be determined to do whatever it took. Even if it meant he would blow his brains out. He needed answers, he needed her to stay.

 

“Russian roulette. Ye ken how it works.”

 

He hated this.

 

“Please,” Claire begged. “What do you want?”

 

“I want to know, where ye have been, what ye have been doing, why someone is trying to keep us apart, and who is behind all of this…” Jamie was cold, scaring himself just as much  as he was scaring Claire. “There is one bullet, six chambers. That’s one to six. Claire.”

 

“I only did this to protect you.”

 

“And look what that got ye. I guess it really is, til death do us part. One, two...”

 

“Stop!” Claire screamed, her hands up in the air. “Wait, please! Wait!”

 

He waited.

 

And waited.

 

Never breaking eye contact with Claire, not only because he wanted to pressure her but because Jamie wanted her face to be the last thing he saw.

 

His took a deep breath and prayed to God.

 

“Times up.”

 

Jamie pulled the trigger.

 

Click.

 

Claire screamed, the sound of fear and devastation, and collapsed on the floor in front of him.

 

Still alive. Jamie’s heart was beating so loud in his ears he thought the pounding was going to destroy his ear drums. Claire’s head bent down and she slowly looked up. Even if he didn’t wanted to— he placed the gun against his forehead again, tears blurring his vision. Apparently he wasn’t brave nor a soldier anymore, just a bloody fool. Desperate.

 

“One...”

 

“ENOUGH!” Claire voice was strangled. “Put away the gun. Put it away. Please.”

 

Jamie didn’t. He wasn’t going to unless Claire told him. Enough was enough. Someone was going to die from her secrets, rather him than her. If she did this to protect him, she wasn’t going to have anything left to protect.

 

“TELL ME!”

 

“I shot William Dunsany,” Claire cried out. “I killed him.”

 

What? Jamie had thought of millions of things and reasons, but not this.

 

“W...why?”

 

“Because Sheba Dashti, forced me to. In 1983, when you were in Iraq. I am the reason we went to war.”

  
  


1983

 

Iraq.

 

Sand. Heat and more heat. Jamie had been reassigned and stationed with his old unit in the desert. The same people he was with when he joined the army. Before the special team recruited him.

 

But Jamie saw it for what it really was. He was being banished, forced away for doing the right thing.

 

Without a doubt, Jonathan Randall was in no condition to lead. Frankly, he was in no condition to be in the army at all. He was narcissistic, psychotic, and cruel. All the things you shouldn’t be when when you were supposed to protect and serve. He sought pain for his pleasure.

 

After Jonathan’s little retreating stunt, abandoning Angus and Claire to die, Jamie caught Jonathan in the act of trying to hurt a civilian and he had contacted the only person he trusted— Harold Grey. He was John Grey’s older brother and was highly positioned in the British Army. He out ranked Jonathan Randall by miles.

 

But it hadn’t ended as Jamie had thought it would.

 

Harold Grey accused him of being jealous, that Jamie only spoke bad of Jonathan because he wanted to take his position as commander. Harold claimed that he had multiple witnesses (on Jamie’s own team) who had told Harold that Jamie had spoken about betraying Jonathan. If he wanted to get back on the team, he needed to apologize and withdraw his accusations.

 

Which Jamie refused to do.

 

Now he was stuck in a desert. Far, far away from Claire. No contact. No information. Nothing.

 

It was the Kurdish rebellion. It had nothing to do with his own country. It was between Iraq and Iran.

 

But still they were there—usually just circling around in vehicles, being a painful reminder to the people in Iraq that they had no real power up against the US and British armies. They were there because President Reagan wanted control. Because of rumors of chemical weapons. But in Jamie’s opinion, they had no business there. He knew they only wanted the oil.

 

The Iran–Iraq war had been going on for three years and there were significant casualties on both sides, reaching hundreds of thousands.

 

Once again, Jamie question being in the army. He thought they were supposed to do good, some probably did, but nothing he had seen with his own eyes had proven that. The only thing they did was scare people, innocent civilians, just by being there.

 

He hated it.

 

Jamie had lost track of his days in the desert. He hadn’t seen Claire in weeks. He knew the address where she was, but he couldn’t contact her. Which is what he wanted to do every single day. Her last words were printed on his heart “Come back to me, Fraser.”

 

The Kurdish militia didn’t appreciate their presence but they weren’t foolish enough to do anything about it. They knew what kind of war would happen if they tried.

 

December.

 

Jamie had been on base, walking towards the tent where they had their mailboxes. He had written a letter to his mother, his weekly update that he was fine and well. Even though he wasn’t permitted to tell her where he was, he was at least allowed to confirm his health. Even though he lied most of the times. For her sake.

 

He had been just a few feet away, when he was shot. The bullet went straight through his shoulder and everybody started screaming around him.

 

He didn’t scream. He barely felt the pain, he only saw his own blood running out from the wound and down into the sand. Then hands, lifting him away.

 

It was the start of something horrible.

 

The start of a war that nearly brought the world down. President Reagan himself later on had shaken his hand, thanking him for his bravery. It was the lowest point in his life because he hadn’t done anything, just being shot and his wound was the start of a war that thousands more died in.

 

Blood. Massacres. Innocent people. Kurdish civilians who were in a war they never wanted. For what?

 

He felt responsible.

  
  


——-

 

Jamie touched his shoulder, the place where the scar was. Claire was still on the floor, her hands shaking something terribly. She looked so small.

 

“I killed William and thousands more,” Claire repeated. “Because otherwise, that shot would have been in your head.”

 

Jamie frowned and just stared at her. The gun in his hand pointed towards the floor and he just held it. It was over. Claire was finally talking. But it wasn’t at all what he had thought. It was way worse.

 

“In 1983. Just one week after you left for Iraq. I found Kaled.” Claire sniffed. “Or as you used to call him—Fergus. He was badly injured, half-beaten to death when I found him in the street. He told me that Das had found out about him being our informant. They threatened to kill his entire family if he didn’t cooperate with them and they killed his mother just to make sure he understood. That’s why we got ambushed, Jamie. That’s why Angus died, it was a setup, orchestrated by Das. But they killed his entire family anyway. Fergus was alone. Because of us.”

 

Jamie was clenching his teeth, filled with rage and shame as he listened. He still didn’t understand.

 

“I promised Fergus that I was going to take care of him.” Claire looked paler, if that was possible. “I took him back to our apartment, I thought it was safe and...Jonathan...”

 

“What?” Jamie asked furiously. “What did Jonathan do?”

 

“It’s all my fault. I told him why I had brought him and Jonathan just lost it, he attacked Fergus and started kicking him and shouting. His eyes were black. Frank and Thomas just watched, but I intervened, threw myself over poor, sweet Fergus for protection and it ended with us making a deal. For the sake of Fergus life.”

 

Jamie needed to sit down, he was scared to hear it. This was just the beginning but he needed to know what Claire had done. What decision brought her to save his life and at the same time how she destroyed Iraq by doing so. He leaned against the wall, far across from Claire, the gun next to him.

 

“Jonathan made Fergus promise, forced him to continue to be our informant. Jonathan thought he owed us. And I promised to tell Harold Grey that you had been plotting against Jonathan...they needed you far away from them.”

 

Jamie sat there quite, feeling betrayed.

 

“I did it because they said they were going to kill Fergus. I did it for his sake, for his life, Jamie”

 

“Please, just continue…”

 

“A few weeks later, Fergus did find the real address and Jonathan didn’t want to risk it being an ambush again, risk all of us. So... he sent me there alone.”

 

What! Jamie wanted to shout and scream about that, but he didn’t want to interrupt. Fucking Randall.

 

“I came up with a plan, that I was just going to walk into the building unarmed and hope for the best. I managed, with help from Fergus, get a fake passport with the name Isobel Dunsany. I thought if I lied to the guards and said that I was related to them, they wouldn’t harm me and let me inside… and it worked.”

 

Reckless woman. Always so fucking reckless.

 

“Four men in masks brought my into a room and that’s where I found William Dunsany, he was beaten badly, black and blue, and his eyes were almost swollen shut.” Claire looked away. “That’s when he told me that Sheba Dashti wasn’t who we thought she was. She wasn’t Middle Eastern, she wasn’t from Yemen at all.”

 

“What was she... I mean who was she?”

 

“Geneva was Sheba...”

 

There was this strange thing that happened and somehow, a small puzzle pieces just fitted in place. Geneva was an old friend of Claire’s.

 

Maybe Claire didn’t wanted to expose her friend? Jamie had only heard Claire say good about Geneva, mostly childhood stories of them playing around. Well that was before.

 

“Geneva was holding her own father imprisoned. They had lived years in Yemen under his diplomacy, Geneva was practically raised there and during that time she fell in love with a woman—a terrorist who we knew as Isla Fares.”

 

“So Geneva fell in love with a terrorist and then became one herself so she could rescue her?”

 

And what about you? Jamie wondered.

 

“Yes. Geneva applauded my bravery and told me that she had been watching us. The entire time.” Claire looked so guilty. “The people in Das were originally Isla Fares father’s companions and Geneva took over the group after he died in that bombing in England, that one Isla survived. They thought I had inside information, that I knew things. Geneva strapped me to a chair and they beat me for days. Trying to get information I didn’t have. I waited for our team to come, but they never did. Nobody came.”

 

If I had been there. Jamie thought. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened. He cursed everyone and himself.

 

“I was nobody of worth. The British government wouldn’t give Isla Fares for my life. Geneva knew it and I knew it. I was prepared to die. I thought I was going to die.”

 

But you didn’t.

 

“What happened then?”

 

“They found a picture of you in my pocket. Figured out that you where someone important to me and suddenly, a few days later, somehow they had your exact position and all I heard was a man, speaking in a foreign language on a speakerphone and Geneva was screaming at me that they had a sniper who was aiming for your head. That I had a choice to make—to help them or let you die.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Geneva knew she never was getting Isla back alive and she was determined to continue Isla’s life’s work. That meant starting a war. Geneva’s present to Isla.” A deep inhale. “ A love war as she called it...”

 

“And that’s what they got.” Jamie answered, bitterly. “When they shot me, US and Britain both thought it was Iraq who attacked. They killed thousands because of it...”

 

“Don’t you think I know that!” Claire shouted. “But they were getting their war either way, they were going to shoot you either way, I just got to decide where. They shot you in your shoulder instead of your head, Jamie. And as I was her “friend” she let me spare you in exchange for…”

 

“And what did you have to do, Claire?”

 

“I was forced to shoot William Dunsany. They videotaped me doing so and then they released me.”

 

“Why did they even release you?”

 

“Because she needed witnesses, she needed the world to think Geneva and William Dunsany were dead. I was their witness. They needed someone to spread the word and they threatened me that they were going to kill you if I told anyone the truth.”

 

“How come I didn’t know? That you were there at all? I knew about their deaths. Why didn’t ye tell me?”

 

“It was classified. Harold Grey was the one I informed and he said our mission was over. I told him, everything. He believed me and he promised me, that I was going to be fine. That I was going home.” Claire closed her eyes, shook her head and then stared into nothing. “That the only thing I needed to do was to keep my involvement classified. Keep my mouth shut.”

 

Claire cried and Jamie wanted to comfort her, but he couldn’t move. He could barely breathe.

 

“You started the war...”  

 

Jamie felt paralyzed, glued to the floor. Because of him, it was all because of him.

 

“I didn’t want to. I did what I could—because I loved you. Oh god, Jamie, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, Jamie. How much I have always loved you. But I couldn’t tell you.” Claire shook her head “I wanted to be with you. I wanted you to read my mind and I desperately wished you could have. When they shot you… an entire life passed through my eyes— A lifetime without you. And it felt like my world had ended. It was the worst torture. I didn’t know if you were alive. Nothing. After I was released, I called your mother even though I wasn’t allowed to, and she told me you were alive...”

 

My mom. She never told me Claire had called.

 

“I’m not done.” Claire whispered. “Harold betrayed me. Like everyone else, he used you against me.”

 

Harold Grey was dead and that was the only way that could bring Jamie some kind of peace. If not, he would have killed him right now. His hatred grew with each second.

 

“They all wanted the war. The Americans and the British... and they all knew it was me. I was cornered, trapped, and I couldn’t get out. But they needed a scapegoat, someone to pin the war on if necessary and that’s when Aida Fares was born. They created her. Harold told me I had to infiltrate Das, and convince Geneva I wanted in. I refused at first, I begged him to send me home. But Harold wanted revenge for John and he blamed you for his death.”

 

“Oh god. Why didn’t ye tell me? Why didn’t ye run? I would have come with ye.”

 

“How? Harold ordered the Randalls to keep me in that apartment. To do whatever it took to make me cooperate. They shot Thomas Christie. It didn’t work. So...They...tortured Fergus again.”

 

Claire started crying harder, uncontrollably and Jamie finally was able to move. He was nauseous, but still he somehow got up from the floor.

 

“NO!”

 

Claire stopped him, her hand in the air.

 

“I can’t tell you this if you touch me. Please. Just stay.”

 

Jamie sat down again. He hated the world.

 

“They cut off Fergus’ hand, Jonathan did...and Frank just stood by. I wasn’t prepared to let Fergus die. I had promised to keep him safe. I couldn’t...So I agreed. The British government— Harold, silently thanked me for my heroic acts and over and over again, promised that I soon was going to go home. That I had served my country. God Save The Queen,” Claire said bitterly. “I went back to Geneva and I lied, I told her I wanted to join them. But Geneva was heartbroken, the war gave her nothing. She didn’t want to continue to be Sheba, but she couldn’t be Geneva either. She was forced to stay in Yemen as nobody, it was her punishment which she deserved and when I told Harold...he said he didn’t care. They needed their terrorist. If not Sheba, someone else. They created Aida Fares, the government did. British, American, I don’t really know.”

 

“What did they force ye to do? As Aida...”

 

“But, that’s the thing— I didn’t do anything. Jonathan and Frank did. They killed in the name of Aida Fares and my picture was on the passport. If I betrayed them, I was going to be convicted as a traitor. I was surrounded...Harold faked papers that said I was Aida, Geneva had the video of me killing William. I had nobody to prove I was plain Claire Beauchamp, my entire family was dead. They promised that nobody was going to believe me.”

 

“I would have believed ye...”

 

“Don’t you think I wanted to call you every day. But you were fighting in Iraq, serving your country and I was ashamed, and scared.” Claire paused to breathe. “Then I was shot in ‘84 and when they found my tumor, I was so relieved. Death was my salvation… then you came, made hell at the hospital because they didn’t let you see me. Even that explosion— Aida was pinned as responsible for it.”

 

1984

December

 

It was heartbreaking. Jamie had gotten the news from a fellow officer. Claire had been in the middle of a shooting in Yemen, she was injured badly. They didn’t know if she was going to make it.

 

Claire was dying in a hospital bed, all alone, miles away and Jamie risked everything to leave Iraq. To get to her.

 

When he arrived at the hospital, Jamie was stopped at the reception. This time he didn’t pretend to be a tourist who didn’t understand, he shouted in Arabic, acted like a mad man, demanded that he needed to see her. Over and over again, they claimed he needed to be a family member. Only relatives.

 

“She has nobody...” Jamie had screamed. “They are all dead. Please.”

 

But nobody cared. It almost felt deliberate, like they had been ordered to not let anyone inside.

 

The entire situation was exaggerated, for Christ sake, they had guards outside her room, big men with guns.

 

Why, nobody said.

 

Everything felt wrong and Jamie didn’t trust anyone. He definitely wasn’t going to contact Harold Grey, not after he had sent him away, or anyone on old his team. He was going to ask Claire—she was the only one he trusted.

 

But Jamie wasn’t going to let those guards stop him. He had a plan. Insane and yet, the sanest thing he had ever done.

 

Jamie was going to marry Claire.

 

From this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death.

 

This was his solemn vow and he meant it.

 

It wasn’t the easiest thing, but he found a Catholic priest that was willing to marry them. The only problem wasn’t only to get to into Claire’s room unnoticed, but he needed her to agree with his madness.  

 

Claire still needed to say yes.

 

Jamie wasn’t proud of his plan to distract everyone so he could sneak into her room. But he was scared and desperate.

 

Every second felt like a step closer to losing her.

 

Jamie had rigged explosives on the other side of the hospital, it was supposed to be a small explosion, he had doubled checked the measurements. Nobody was going to get hurt, it was just going to loud.

 

Unbelievably, it actually worked. The explosion was louder than Jamie had expected but the guards ran as soon as the fire alarm started ringing.

 

“Claire?” Jamie slowly opened the door and he wanted to cry at the mere sight of Claire.

 

“Jamie?” Claire sounded weak and fragile. Just as she looked. Her hair had grown a bit since he last saw her, in tiny brown curls. “Are you real?”

 

“Aye.” Jamie came to sit next to her. “I’m real, I came as soon as I heard. Are ye alright?”

 

“You shouldn’t be here.” Claire tried to move and hissed in pain. “No, I’m not fine. I have cancer.”

 

“What? They said ye were shot.”

 

“I was, four times. But when they operated on my leg, they found the tumor. I don’t have much time left and Jamie you need to leave.”

 

How the situation possibly could be worse, Jamie couldn’t understand —but it was.

 

“Why were there guards outside yer door, they refused to let me see ye.”

 

“Someone...claims that I’m contagious. I’m not, just plain cancer.” Claire sounded different. “They all thought, by the condition I was in, that it was cholera.”

 

When Claire said the word cholera, the priest made an uncomfortable sound and Jamie remembered his plan.

 

“Who is that?” Claire asked. “What’s going on?”

 

“We don’t have much time.” Jamie started. “Oh god, I dinna ken how to say this without sounding mad.”

 

“Just out with it. I’m so high on drugs, nothing will not sound mad. I’m still not sure you are even here, Jamie.”

 

James took her hand in his, to build up the courage and to evidently show Claire that he was real.

 

“I want to marry you.”

 

“What?”

 

“It’s the only way since I’m not family. They are coming any minute and will force me to leave ye. I can’t...”

 

“Yes.” Claire interrupted him. “I will marry you.”

 

Friendship slowly faded into marriage, the bridge of love was suddenly opened for travel and Jamie was ready to confess his love. Tell Claire he loved her. A soon as they said I do.

 

It was a strange and quick ceremony and Jamie wasn’t entirely sure it was legal but it didn’t matter, Claire had said yes. They held hands throughout as the priest wed them and Jamie’s heart was smiling when she said ‘I do’.

 

“I now pronounce you husband and wife,” the priest said. “You may kiss your bride.”

 

Jamie looked tenderly into Claire’s eyes, it was different than before but just as special. They had this electrical connection and this time, he wanted to touch the invisible flaming current and wrap himself with the feel of them. He wanted to burn with her.

 

His lips met hers, for the second time, and he lingered there, not able to retreat and she didn’t either.

 

Oh God, how he loved her.

 

The kiss inevitably ended, but the ghost of her touch stayed. Jamie leaned his head against hers.

 

This was it.

 

Tell her.

 

“Jamie.” Claire spoke before him. “Thank you for being the best friend there is. To have you here, knowing I’m not alone. If I die, I am grateful.”

 

No.

 

Not friends.

 

No.

 

Jamie backed away, a bit frustrated and just looked at Claire. Didn’t she feel it? Friends? He felt like a fool, she still saw him as a friend.

 

Married friends.

 

“Yer going to make it, Claire. I willna let ye die, ye hear me?”

 

Apparently his love would stay secret, hopefully decrease into nothingness, into disappointment.

 

“I hope you didn’t marry me for my money.” Claire was making inappropriate jokes to take away her of dying. “I’m sorry to say you won’t inherit anything except a backpack.”

  
  


——

 

“Why didn’t you tell me there and then? Did you even want to marry me?”

 

“I thought I was dying. I was a coward and a traitor, but I loved you, Jamie. OF COURSE, I wanted to marry you!” Claire started shouting. “Hasn’t my fucking story proven as much. I shouldn’t have done it, but I wanted to and I was too sick to think, when you suddenly showed up in Yemen and brought that priest, I was high on drugs and I just wanted you. Oh God, I wanted you. I needed you. Thought I was going to die either way. Marrying you, Jamie, was my reward...My one second of happiness..But when we kissed, I remembered that your life was in danger, I needed to act, to pretend we weren’t anything more than friends...”

 

“How little faith ye had in me. I would have taken ye away. Protected ye.”

 

“I couldn’t tell you.. I thought I was going to die. Then I didn’t. I just wanted it to be over, don’t you understand? They had me trapped and there was no way I was getting out.”

 

“Was it on purpose?” Jamie asked lowly, even though the answer what obvious. “That you were shot?”

 

“Yes...I wanted to die.”

 

“Christ.”

 

His heart broke into tiny little pieces.

 

“What? Wouldn’t you have wanted to die? I was posing as a fucking terrorist, Jamie. They even said that if I tried to kill myself, they were going to kill you. The whole fucking world kept on threatening you. But if I thought if I made it look like an accident...”

 

“I never wanted you to do this. I never wanted...I could have saved you.” Jamie almost lost it. “We went home to Scotland as ye went through chemo. Ye had every fucking opportunity to tell me. I would have fought for ye, Claire.”

 

After they got married, Claire was hospitalized and transferred to Scotland. She went through months of chemo, the doctors said she was going to be fine and Jamie stood by her. He quit the military and she said she had too. They lived at his parents house, days went by and Jamie waited for her to come to his room as before, hoping the fresh air and freedom was what she needed to admit what her actions proved. But she never did. Claire spend most of the time with his mother.

 

“No, you couldn’t and you still can’t...when we went back to Scotland. We lived together at your parents house for months and all that time, I was so scared, of everything, I thought of Fergus the whole time and… one day—Your mother handed me a letter she had already opened...”

 

My mum again?

 

“What was in the letter?”

 

“Pictures of you and me at Lallybroch. News articles about Aida, they were still killing in my ‘name’, They were threatening me, again. I had no other choice other than to leave. I told your mother as much as I could…she tried to...”

 

“YOU TOLD MY MOTHER! MY MOTHER AND NOT ME.”

 

“Yes.”

 

Jamie had never been angrier than he was right then. Claire had kept secrets from him and even started a war to save him. But she never trusted him with anything, not with how she felt, not that she was being threatened, that she was in pain and now she tells him that his own flesh and blood had known, his mother.

 

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YE?”

 

“I wanted you safe. They were going to kill you.”

 

“So who is them? The Randalls or Geneva?”

 

Jamie tried to calm down.

 

“Jonathan and Frank...Geneva is dead.”

 

“I CANNA...Ye are mad, I'm not afraid of them, they wouldn’t have been able to kill me. Yer so...I’m not a child. Ye only ruined me and yerself with this.”

 

“I did it because I loved you— I love you. I did what I thought was best. My life meant nothing without you. Don’t you get it?”

 

“ME? YE ARE THE ONE WHO DOESN'T GET IT!”

 

Jamie rose from the floor, unconsciously still holding the gun and started pacing back and forth. He needed to calm down, quickly, before he exploded again.

 

“MY LIFE HAD NO MEANING, CLAIRE.”

 

“I did what I thought was best. I would do it all over again if it meant that you were safe.”

 

“Randall’s...WHY are they still so damned persistent? The war ended long ago, Harold is dead, everyone is dead...”

 

He wanted to cry.

 

“Harold died just over a year ago. Nobody knew that Aida Fares was a cover up, the papers had disappeared. Nobody cared. Reagan wanted war, then it was Bush, and it never ended. My mission never ended. Jonathan and Frank are the real terrorists...”

 

“But yer are here now? How is that possible?”

 

“I returned to Yemen after that letter. Because I needed to get Fergus. He was all alone and I promised him. We were going to run and we almost made it… they had followed me. Harold was still alive when I left Scotland, left you. He made sure I wasn’t leaving again. I’m still surprised they didn’t kill me, even though I knew they wanted to.”

 

“So ye just what? Lived in a locked apartment?”

 

The mental image was horrific, he imagined Claire and felt a wave of emotions. That she had done it for the sake of his life.

 

“No, I  was allowed to leave the apartment after awhile when I ‘accepted’ my fate, they knew I wasn’t going anywhere because I had gained their trust, but that was only for the sake of destroying them. For five years, Jonathan and Frank did unspeakable things, bombings and scattered death and darkness all over. I stayed because I needed to. I am a soldier, I needed to save as many as I could and— I did, Jamie. I played along and heard their plans and I made sure Fergus or myself warned the people that were being targeted. Nothing was stopping them. They had the authorities behind them.”

 

Jamie just shook his head. He had no strength to explain how idiotic it was that she hadn’t had enough trust in him.

 

“You could have ended it all…stopped them by telling anyone.”

 

“The only way to end it was to kill them and that was what I tried to do. One day, I got out and bought the things I needed and I set the whole place on fire...” Claire’s eyes became darker and her voice sounded heavier. “I blew the whole building, with them inside. I didn’t have much time and sadly didn’t get far enough and woke up in a hospital bed—five weeks ago. The doctor said the tumor was back. But I am going to survive, it still wasn’t deadly. But I had Fergus bribe another doctor and they lied for me and wrote in my journal that I had only had days left. Just in case someone would look.”

 

“Ye have cancer...and tri…”

 

Claire had tried to kill them and almost died in the process. Jamie’s head was spinning.

 

“I do, but it’s not terminal.” Claire reassured him. “I can live years with it. I faked a death certificate. That Claire Beauchamp Fraser died. That is what the world believes. That I simply died. I fled Yemen and thought it was clear. That Frank and Randall died in the fire. That I finally could be here. That’s why I was so damn happy when I saw you in the woods yesterday. I was free. Everything I had been through just vanished when I saw you.”

 

“Ye behaved so casually. Like nothing had happened.”

 

“I needed to be. It was still classified and I truly didn’t care when I saw you. It was a longtime dream coming here, coming home. We never said anything about how we felt in the past, I couldn’t just admit after all this time that I loved you. I just wanted to be near you and knew I didn’t deserve you, and I promise, Jamie— I was truly happy when you told me about Laoghaire… jealous and acting crazy, but happy. For you.”

 

Laoghaire, he hadn’t thought about her once.

 

“Didn’t deserve ye?” Jamie stopped pacing and just stared at her. “My life is haunted and has been all these years without ye. I dinna care what ye did, because ye were forced to do it. I’m not angry because of what ye did, it wasn’t yer fault. I’m angry because yer being a martyr, I never wanted ye to protect me. I would have had followed ye anywhere. I would and I will kill Jonathan, Frank, and anyone else who has ever hurt ye. Don’t ye understand, Claire, yer sacrifice was for nothing...”

 

Claire rose from the floor and smiled weakly.

 

“No, you are alive and so are so many others. It wasn’t for nothing.”

 

“Yer underestimating me. I have killed more men than you know about. I am a soldier too damn it. Fuck! Look at where we are now! How much we lost...”

 

“And more to come.”

 

“Are ye serious?”

 

“Don’t you see, they didn’t die, Jonathan and Frank were in your house, Jamie. They left the notes at the B&B and they are here. They will never stop and I’m not risking your life. I have lived with this and I will continue to live with it, because I made the decision that lead us here...”

 

Jamie walked towards Claire and took her by her shoulders. He furiously wanted to shake some sense into her, but instead started to cry.

 

“Choose me,” he cried. “Please, don’t continue this. It's over, Claire. Just let me handle this. Ye promised ye would stay as long as I needed. So I’m begging now...l--”

 

“I’m practically scared of my own shadow, I was drawn here, to feel safe…you were right, I wanted to tell you, I wanted you to save me.”

 

“Then stay. I don’t care about the past, just the future. Claire, we still have time!”

 

“Who knows who else they will hurt. You? Your family? It was wrong of me to think I could come back and not face the consequences.”

 

“Aren’t ye my family? My wife.”

 

“The rest of the world believes Claire Beauchamp Fraser is dead. Maybe it’s best if you believe it too. I will always be yours.” Claire smiled softly. “When I got here, I took the new name, Alexandra Malcolm.”

 

Jamie fell down to his knees and leaned his head down against her naked thighs and wrapped his arms around her legs.

 

“I will not let ye leave. Don’t force me to live without ye.”

 

“I am a soldier. I met fear on the battlefield. I needed to. Because Aida—the name was the reason people were hurt but me, Claire—tried to save them..”

 

Claire was always trying to save to world, he understood her need to fix what she had done. But he wasn’t prepared to let her continue to fight for a cause that was lost.

 

“It feels like I have been wearing my heart on the outside and your name written in my forehead. Everyone knew what you meant to me, Jamie. Everyone except you.”

 

“Don’t ye think I will blame myself for it. That I was a coward for not daring to tell you because of my fear of losing ye? When it happened anyways and that because of me, ye went through all of this and yer still planning on leaving for my sake…”

 

“I’m less, for you and the world to be more.”

 

“That’s not love.” Jamie cried out “I was wrong.”

 

“It is love.”

 

Claire came down to the floor on his level and, impossibly, she smiled at him.

 

“My love for you was obvious to the world but not to you and I’m glad for it. Because if you had known— I know you would have tried to save me. Jamie, I don’t regret loving you and I hope you don’t regret it either. We won’t be written about in history books, my actions will not be forgiven, but in the name of our love, I did save some. If I had died, who knows how many more people would have died too?”

 

“But you got hurt. Because of me ye wear those scars. How will I forgive myself for being blind? I am so sorry Claire, for everything.”

 

Claire touched his shoulder, his bullet hole scar.

 

“I pushed you away and lied about my feelings, how can you blame yourself when I don’t blame you?”

 

“I wish it was me, that I did all those things. For you.”

 

“Harold wouldn’t have let you. He blamed you for John. If it had been you, both of us had been dead. Don’t you see, there is nothing you could have done.”

 

“But I can do something now. Stay here and I’ll make sure the Randall’s die for this. Stay and let me end this. Please, Claire.”

 

“Do you hate me for what I have done, Jamie?”

 

“The blood on yer hands isn’t yers to be held accountable for. I dinna hate ye. How could I, when ye only thought ye were doing the right thing?”

 

“My name, your name, ours. I can’t be Claire anymore. Are you willing to leave everything behind for someone who has no name.”

 

Jamie probably lost all sense of sanity the very second he read her letter yesterday. But the fact remained, as it had for the last ten years, that he loved Claire. It was as heartbreaking as it was beautiful, and so damn complicated but he loved her — it was the simplest decision to make. He would follow her anywhere. Trade every sense of normalcy and be whoever as long as he was hers.

 

“Aye. I am. But that means no more lies, no more running away, Claire. There is the two of us now.”

 

“The two of us.”

 

No more sacrifices.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Hit me with questions if you have any. Christ, I’m nervous 
> 
> We are going to Lallybroch the next chapter. ❤️

**Author's Note:**

> I cant answer how many chapters there will be but I’m so excited to write this. I really love telling stories backwards, some of you might know that. If you liked this, please leave kudos and a little comment. It’s very encouraging and I just love reading them.❤️
> 
> This first chapter is confusing, as I know it’s it, don’t be shy to ask questions. Thank you for reading. ❤️


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